From My Journal . . . I have heard HOPE defined as the belief that things can change, get better, or improve. I can promise you HOPE means the most to those who have lived without it and I can relate to that statement. There is also something special about the comfort of others who have experienced my pain. . . They know, they get it, they understand. They can say "Me too," and immediately that validates what I am feeling at that moment.
Not everyone has the same pain, the same experience, nor the same life. But, we all have struggles and it helps when someone kneels down with you to pray, listens to your story, and tells you they will walk along side you in this journey. That is real HOPE in action. Someone who has been there coming along side of you and telling you they get it and they will walk with you. . . until you can walk on your own.
I had so much pain in my addiction. I did not believe that things could get better. I was so alone, surrounded by my shame, and full regret. There were many days where I just didn't want to go on any longer. . . I was ready to throw in the towel. In my addiction, I wouldn't let Jesus in to help me. I wouldn't take advice from anyone. I wouldn't listen to my loved ones, family or friends.
I never let anyone get close enough to me to even get close to HOPE. I wanted nothing to do with that word. That required work. I was a hopeless addict.
So, God did what He does and got my attention and put me in prison. I kept trying to be Shane and he kept trying to tell me that He had different plans for me. I didn't listen, fought back, and disagreed until He didn't have any options left but to put me away, keep me away, and give me time to realize that I needed someone and something other than myself and my addiction. That time away was just what He needed to get me to a point where the only HOPE I could see was looking up from a prison floor. That is defeat, that is powerlessness, that is despair, and that is exactly what I needed.
I thank God today (March 28, 2017) for this time away, time alone, time to sit quietly and time to get sober. I thank God for changing me, for giving me the chance to love and feel again. I thank him for allowing me to appreciate this life, to meet my family again, to write in these journals and to share my story in here and soon out in the real world. I thank him for time to heal, for His grace, and forgiveness. I thank the God of 2nd through one-million chances for showing me that I am more than what I was before I met him in prison.
ABOVE ALL ELSE, I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME HOPE AGAIN. . .
I thank Him for introducing me to people who cared enough to come in the prison and teach me about recovery and life. I thank all the volunteers who came to the prison and helped me become a better person.
I will never again take this life for granted and I will always enjoy where I am at on the way to where I am going. . . Yes, even in prison there are many things to be grateful for.
If you are struggling, it's okay...help is only a prayer away.
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