This is Melanie's story as she tells it. . . no editing. . . no proofing. . . Just Melanie - - as is, raw, vulnerable, and open. My hope is that you will share this on your Facebook Page and Instagram and that someone out there who needs to hear Melanie's story will be able to read it. I had to twist her arm to write it and you can tell by the first sentence. . . LOL!!
Okay Shane. Here goes…
So, I started this crazy journey on March 24, 2016. What I
then classified as the worst day of my life.
I had been going to trial all week, that week. On that final day, the
jury had agreed to guilty on all 6 counts. I had no idea what was going to be
in store for me, what prison was going to be like. I only knew what the media
had portrayed. Little did I know, God had big plans for me.
It was the fourth day of my trial, POURING down rain. I go
into the courthouse to meet with my attorney and he tells me, Melanie, if this
doesn’t go the way we want it to, you are going to jail today. I start
panicking, go outside to smoke. There on top of the court house sits an owl. In
the pouring down rain. Weird right?
We finish the trial and the jury goes to deliberate. I went
and picked up my son from the daycare, thinking “just in case”.
They call for me, ready to give the jury’s verdict. GUILTY.
On all 6 counts. The bailiff handcuffs me and walks me to the elevator. Now, I
forgot to say that my WHOLE FAMILY was there supporting me.
Even my sons dads family was there supporting me. My son was in the hallway
with his grandma because he was just crying.
They take me to the elevator and grandma brings my son
around the corner to see me, cuffed, ready to go to jail. I will never forget that moment. My son
reached for me and I couldn’t take him. The bailiff said is this is your son? I
replied yes. He says you may kiss him goodbye. So I gave baby a kiss and he
just started screaming bloody murder. He didn’t have any idea what was going
on. At 9 months old, he just knew that he wanted his mommy and she couldn’t
take him. I brought my hands to my face and just cried. I just kept thinking,
how long is it going to be before I see my son again?
I go over to the jail and sat there until May 13th,
Friday the 13th. Not being able to see my son. My family would go to
star bank and walk him around in his stroller so I could see him, until the
sheriffs would run her off. Even on mother’s day, my first mother’s day, they
made a sign that said happy mother’s day. I cried myself to sleep so many
nights. Worrying, wondering when the end would come. When I would be able to go
back to my life and leave this nightmare behind. I had my attorney coming to
see me, telling me since I didn’t have any criminal history, a small child at
home and a paraplegic father who depended on me to care for him, that I would
just go home on house arrest. There wouldn’t be any issues.
When they finally got me to my sentencing, my judge told me
the harshest words. “if I could sentence you just on your emotional stance, I
would give you 20 years. However, that’s not how the law works. I would
describe you as cavalier, showing no interest in important matter”. I tuned him
out at that point. I honestly didn’t hear what the sentence was. I remember my
attorney patted me on the knee and said 3 years with purposeful. My bailiff walked me back over to the jail
and I was just crying, I didn’t know what to think. He said well, 7 years isn’t
too bad.
I was sentenced to Eight (8) years at the Indiana Department
of Corrections and ordered to participate in a substance use treatment called purposeful
incarceration. The Judge mandated that I
complete that program and serve a 3-year minimum of the sentence before he would
consider modifying my sentence.
On May 27, 2016 I was transported to Rockville correctional
facility. I was literally stripped of
everything when I got there. My clothes, my privacy, control. I felt so violated. I didn’t even have a say
in my own life anymore. I had hit
bottom. I didn’t know what was about to happen. How this bit was going to go.
My heart was racing. I was so scared! All I knew about prison was what the
media says about prison, which is nothing good.
I got into intake. Got a fancy orange jump suit. Being told
what to do all the time. When to eat, when to sleep, how loud I could be. When
to clean. EVERYTHING. I had no control over anything anymore. All the way down
to lining up to go to chow. Which if you didn’t know is what they call the
dining hall there. My dog got better treatment, A nicer bed. So thru out intake they do all these
assessments. Going to the doctor, the dentist, the eye doctor, seeing mental
health. That decides which prison you will be at. I had met a girl in county
who had just got out of Madison (the lowest level for women) and she was like
oh you will go there. Don’t worry about it. 18 months and you will be back
home. HA! Boy, she was wrong!!! Since I
had been taking anti-depressant medications, my mental health was labeled a C
and I had to stay at Rockville. A maximum facility for women. I was terrified.
I kept hearing horror stories from women who had already been to prison before.
About how they kept the worst of the worst there. So I thought, great. I’m hit.
I ended up staying in intake for 4 weeks and got moved to “the hill” open
population. About 1200 women.
They sent me to dorm 5, top bunk—TRASH. My Bunkie was a
sweet little old lady. She said she had been down for about 5 years. I couldn’t
wrap my mind around what on earth she was doing there. Come to find out, she’s
an ax murderer. The only one there out of 1200 women. Wow. Majority of my room,
16 ladies was in there for murder or drug charges. So I mainly stuck to myself.
I didn’t want to cross the wrong one or get myself in any trouble. They gave me
a job as a night porter. Just a cleaning lady. I stayed on the hill for about 3
months. Living this shit life. Going to work thru the night and sleeping thru
the day, well what I could anyways. Waiting to get called over to the
“C.L.I.F.F.” dorm so I could get this assessment, start this pi program and get
home!
I finally got my
first visit in prison. It took a little bit to get my family approved. My mom
came to see me and bring my son to see me. I hadn’t seen him in about 3 months.
I had missed his first birthday. I called and my whole family was there. They
all passed the phone around, they all wanted to know how I was doing and how
things were going. It took all I had to stay strong, to not cry. To not tell my
family how much I hated where I was, the person I had become. How bad I missed
home and my son. When mom brings Shane
to see me, she put him down on the floor and he took off walking! She had told
me on the phone that he was trying to walk, but I didn’t know he was actually
walking all the time! Gosh, I cried. I couldn’t believe how much my little baby
had changed in just 3 months. He was growing so fast and I was missing so much.
Every day he was learning something new, developing new skills, growing into
this awesome little person and the number one person who should have been there
to see it all, wasn’t. to this day, I will never forget that day. I remind
myself of those feelings often, to keep me grounded in who I am today.
I had different people telling me that I needed to get into
my bible, that I needed to find god. He would be the only one who would be able
to “save” me. So I had my dad send me a recovery bible. I thought maybe that
would be good for me. I started reading in it, slowly, day by day. Reading more
and more. Then one day I was sitting on my bunk, just reading in psalms. The
holy spirit flooded me like a river. I started bawling and just repenting. I
knew that I did not want to be the person that I was and I wanted god to save
me. I completely surrendered my life that day and that’s when things started to
get better.
On the day I got that pass to go over to do my assessment. I
took this paper test that talked all about my addiction and my use. The girl
that gave it to me, told me to fill it out honestly. So I did. I went in to see
the main counselor and she told me I didn’t qualify for the program. I said
what do you mean I was sentenced to this! I have to do this to get home. She
said it appears that you don’t have a problem with drugs. I said I don’t, I
quit. She asked me if I drank alcohol and I said I don’t have a problem with
alcohol, she looked at my charges and said that’s your problem. Got into the
program.
I
started this intense program. I lived on a dorm with about 200 women who were
also programming. We LIVED recovery. Mandatory 3 meetings a week, had to meet
with a mentor and a recovery coach. They set us in groups and we phased up
together. There are 4 phases to the therapeutic community. Of course you can
always be held back if you are messing up or getting into trouble. I started
going to groups and classes, really working on myself. I did several self-help
packets, started working the steps. I had to face so many things that I had
buried deep for so long. Emotions that I didn’t want to deal with, traumas that
I was in denial of. I started getting honest with myself and things started
getting better. I was able to really sit down and analyze the person I had
become, why I had done the things I had done. All the things that fed my
disease. Why I really was the way that I was. Things started to make sense. I
had finally started healing. I took every extra class they offered to me. I
completed 90 in 90, which is 90 meetings in 90 days. I also took a grief and
loss class that the prison offered to everyone. I never realized how much grief
I carried.
I graduated therapeutic community in June of 2017 and I
immediately called home ready to fill a modification. My attorney told me to
just be patient. I left the C.L.I.F.F. dorm and moved back to open population.
They put me on raccoon crew. Which for those who don’t know, raccoon crew is a
crew of ladies that go to Raccoon Lake and clean. It’s a big deal when you get
on that crew. It’s the only crew that goes outside of those gates. And it’s
only a matter of time before you get sent to a lower level security prison. I
only worked on that crew for about a month and I was Madison bound!
Madison is a lower level facility. Much more freedom, longer
visits, stores you can shop at. Well they would go to the dollar store and buy
all kinds of different things and then sell them to us for high dollar. But it
was ten times better than being at Rockville! I was only in Madison for about 2
months and I received a letter in the mail, I finally had a court date!! It got
postponed a couple of times, but grant county finally came and got me on
Halloween. I will never forget that we stopped at a gas station so we could get
gas and I had to pee so badly! So the officer goes in and asks permission for
me to be able to come in and use their restroom, they said yes. She gets me out
of the car and as we’re walking in, she looks at me and says “we have the best
Halloween costumes ever” ha-ha! And we really did. I was in an orange jumpsuit
and she was in her sheriff’s uniform. My ankles and my wrists were cuffed.
I was never so happy
to see the grant county jail! I went to court the next day, November 1st,
2017. I wrote out a few things that I wanted to make sure that I said to the
judge. But somehow that paper got lost. I prayed and prayed that night before
that whatever gods will for my life was, that it would be done. I had fasted
and prayed for weeks, I was filled with acceptance and no matter what happened.
I knew that I was in god’s hands. I went to court and it went perfect. I cried
to my judge. I finally had remorse, I was sorry for the things I had done. I
knew what a piece of shit I had been and I wanted to take full responsibility.
I had the opportunity to look at my victim’s family and apologize. I wish I
could change the way things had happened, but I knew that I couldn’t. I just wanted them to know how sorry I was.
My victim’s mother forgave me that day. <3 my attorney told me that I would
be going home on house arrest, but I had heard that before so I didn’t want to
get my hopes up too high. I waited a week in jail, called home and my dad told
me that my modification had got denied.
Another week and grant county transported me back to Madison
DOC. I was determined that I was going to stay busy and get through these last
2 years I had left. As soon as I was able to, I went and visited my counselor
and requested that I be put into the cosmetology program. On December 11th,
I started Cosmo. I received a letter from the court house that my judge had
pre-approved my CTP and that he wanted me to participate in the re-entry
program. I was SO MAD! Seriously? You deny my modification, telling me that I
have to do all of my time, besides what I could get knocked off in time cuts
and then when I get home I have to spend another 16 to 18 months doing more
programming!! But I put that out of my mind and got busy. Back to bit mode. I
continued to work on me, bettering me. I still programmed even thought I wasn’t in
therapeutic community anymore. I attended meetings regularly. I took a
parenting class, through the state. I took a relationship class, knowing that I
needed to have relationship boundaries.
I graduated from cosmetology in November 2018. After my time
cut went in I had about 4 and a half months left. So if things worked out the
way that I wanted them too. I could get my CTP on Thanksgiving Day, November
22. So I studied my butt off, took my practical test and passed it with a 96.
Then I took my written test and past it with a 94! I was sooo proud of myself!
Once my time cut went through it took about a month and they got all my
paperwork done. Grant County was due to pick me up on December 3rd!
When that day finally came, my emotions were on ten! I
hadn’t been home in almost 3 years. I had done 2 and a half years in prison and
another 2 months in jail. I had 4 months to serve on home detention and that
would complete the prison term that I was due to serve. I got back to grant
county community corrections and called my mom. I was never so excited to see
her and get to hug her!
They were having a lot of issues with drugs coming into the
prison while I was at Madison, so they took our contact visits. Your family
could come but you couldn’t touch them. I went almost 9 months without hugging
my mom. I couldn’t wait. Got that bracelet on and was on my way home!
Considering my son was only 9 months old when I left and I
had to serve 4 months on house arrest I knew that coming to my mom’s would be
the best thing for me. I had seen Shane regularly the whole time I was locked
up, but stepping into full time parent mode and real life was going to be
difficult and I knew that I would need my mom’s help.
I was very blessed to have an amazing probation officer, a
very godly man who completely understood that I wasn’t the person I was almost
3 years ago when I went to prison. He gave me the down low on what was to come
being on house arrest and reentry court. I had to schedule every single thing
that I did, but I can say home detention was very good to me. They let me do
just about anything that I asked them. I have to call every day to see if I had
to take a drug screen. After about a month I started looking for a job.
I’m so beyond
thankful that my judge gave me the opportunity to do reentry court. I needed a
little structure and help when I got out. It’s been nothing but good things
since I got out. They even paid for me to take some facilitator training
courses and now I’m able to start my own meeting.
I’ve been out for almost 5 months now and my life is so, so
good. I have phased up to phase 3 in reentry court already. I work a full time
job and I’m able to spend all of my free time with my boy. I have continued to
work on myself since I have been out. I attend groups at milestone weekly and I
regularly attend meetings. I have found a home group at SMART recovery on
Saturdays and I have met some really amazing people there. I have started going
back to my home church and I also attend hope house on Sunday nights. I have an
amazing support system, between my friends and my family I couldn’t ask for
better. I am so beyond blessed today. Granted I am not where I want to be, but
I am almost 3 and a half years clean and sober. In July, I will be FIVE YEARS CLEAN
off heroin! I never thought I would be
where I am today. People come to ME for help and advice. It’s all by the grace
of god. He saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself.
Right after I found Christ, the holy spirit put it on my
heart to write myself a letter to myself. Looking back I know that I didn’t
have these words, he did. This is what it says:
Letter to self <3
August 4th 2016
Hello gorgeous! I’m here to tell you that everything is
going to be all right. Continue to turn to god! It pleases him when you talk to
him and tell him the good and the bad about every situation. Even though he
already knows your heart, he wants you to tell him everything that is going on.
*keep praying*
Remember those who are there for you! Mom & dad! Forget
the ones who need you now. Remember how it felt to see Shane walk in that
visiting center- for the FIRST TIME EVER! Remember how you felt. NOTHING is
worth your freedom or the time you should be spending with Shane.
Stay in the word! Keep reading, learning and growing. The
lord wants our relationship to flourish, that’s the reason he put you here.
STAY POSITIVE!* the devil feeds off that negative energy and he isn’t worth and
ounce of your energy! Remember YOU ARE STRONG! You have been through a lot- you
can do this- you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. YOU’RE PRICELESS! You’re
worth more than gold!
Cherish these lessons, be a sponge! Absorb the good and wash
out the bad! Keep the old life behind you! There is no going back! You deserve
the best and only you can hold you back!
Melanie, you are beautiful! You are smart! You are an
amazing mother, daughter and friend. You are funny. You are generous, caring
and helpful. You are BLESSED! The lord loves you, he cherishes you. He loves
when you come to him. This will be over soon! Keep your head up. Keep reading
your bible. Stay positive always.
-love
mel
Thank you Melanie. . . I love you girl and you inspire me each and every day of your journey. Together we can recovery and help others do the same. You are a role model and a mentor to me in my own walk and for that I am grateful. . .
If you're struggling it's okay help is only a prayer away.
The first picture is before prison and God and the second is this year. . . Can't tell me God doesn't move mountains. . .