My story begins with brokenness. I had nothing and felt nothing. I had no self-worth and I was washed up in
everyone’s eyes including my own. I identified
as a crackhead, a convict, a prisoner, a sinner, and all that adds up to
worthless. I had forgotten me – check –
there was no me. Shane was #257988 and
even that number had more worth than what I felt.
It’s easy to say the cause of my perceived worthlessness was
my addiction and the accompanying and mandatory rock bottom. One might add that convicted felons are
supposed to be marginalized and “lesser than” just as societal norm (be honest
with yourself here – sure we feed the hungry but when is the last time you
visited a prison, wrote a convicted felon a letter, or helped someone restart
their life once released from prison?).
Others might say that I got what I deserved and needed to be forgotten -
- can I get an amen?
Heck, even the memory of me had more real value in my mind
(and yours).
I was at the end of me. Broken. Defeated.
Marginalized. A felon. A prisoner.
An addict - - add all those together and you don’t get a starring role
on The Bachelor let a lone a sense of any real value. I was truly washed up and broken - - like
look up the word in the dictionary and there is my picture.
In walks Jesus
No lightning bolts. No loud voice. No ugly crying (though I had done plenty of
that late at night on my bunk). Just me
walking on the prison walk six months into my bit. See, I had been going to church, reading the
Bible, and really focusing on trying to figure this Jesus dude out. I had more questions than answers. I had more disbelief than trust. I had more pain than relief. I had more sorrow than joy. Up until that day on the walk I was doing a
lot more searching than finding - - and then BAM… I just felt FREE… free you
say? Yes, free.
I cannot begin to explain how it
feels to take that next step of freedom while walking in prison. I was free on the inside for the first time
in my life. I was still in prison (and
would be for 11 more months) yet free.
On that day and on that walk, I was called to Jesus and no longer
broken.
I was no longer…
A victim of molest. An addict.
A prisoner. A convict. A bad son,
partner, dad, brother and friend. Full of
shame and regret.
I was…
Worthy. Forgiven. Loved - - and a
child of the most high King.
From that day until this day my
life has been anything but perfect, but I have kept my eyes on Jesus, and He
has seen me through so much. I still had
11 months of prison to finish which included the torture of 45 days in solitary
confinement, the wrestling of my inner demons, and more strip searches than I
care to mention. However, I never gave
up after Jesus entered my life on the walk that day.
I kept going. I keep going.
In walked Jesus and my life
changed. In walked Jesus and walked my
brokenness. In walked Jesus and out
walked my chains.
Today, I love Jesus and do my best
to love like Him. Today, I try and help
those who are broken, who feel unworthy, and who are addicted to being
unforgiven. Today, I share what I have
been through and what Jesus delivered me from.
Today, I share Hope.
He did it for me and He can do it
for you - - even if it is on a sidewalk in prison. Jesus meets you were you are and says come
home, you are worthy, and you are loved.
If you’re struggling, it’s okay
help is only a prayer away.
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