Quit looking back . . .

From my journal . . . It is easy to think about the past and live in the pain and suffering of days gone by when sitting in a prison bunk at any hour of the day or night.  There are a lot of hours in the day to sit and think about everything and nothing at all.  From good memories to bad, and from many successes to the same amount or more failures.  Instead of having pity parties or huge celebrations (that's a joke), I'm focused on what I can do today to be free of mind, to be sober, and be content.  I have started working a program, not only of recovery, but of recovery by faith and I have realized that I must do these three things daily:

1) Forgive those who hurt me and more often than not this includes forgiving me. I can be my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up, tear myself down, and spit myself out for all the mistakes that I have made while being in active addiction.  Forgiveness takes the power out of any situation and doesn't leave room for bitterness and resentment to fester. Trust me when I say this: resentments will kill you. Someone way smarter than me said this, "an unresolved resentment with someone is like drinking poison and waiting for that person to die."

2) I must remember that my past doesn't define who I am today. I must learn to give myself a break, let go of the past, and be okay with being a recovering addict.  In fact, I must accept who I was then, who I am today, and who I am trying to be everyday.  Taking all of this together reminds me of God's forgiveness, grace, and mercy. If God can forgive and forget my past than so can I.

3) Don't live in my past successes. This is probably the biggest one. It's easy to depend on God when I'm stuck in #1 and #2 but what about on the great days when I'm doing awesome???? I must be mindful that all things are created for His good and must seek His will in every situation and never rely on my past successes. And, yes, there are successes even in prison......but that's for another day.

What's great is that in all of the three things listed, I don't have to have all the answers, I don't have to figure it all out, and I don't have to make it happen myself. All I need is the faith to get up, brush myself off, and take that first step. . .

I say Just for Today a lot in here and that is how I have made it through thus far.  I can do anything one day at a time. . . including live in prison, walk in faith, and work on my recovery.  

God is good, it's as simple as that. 

If you're struggling, it's okay . . . Help is only a prayer away.