Trust for sale. . .

Love is a lifestyle in which my thoughts and actions are guided by my concern for others.  I needed recovery not just from crack, meth, or the bottle but from a life lived solely for my own gratification. As I sought to escape my inner pain through the fleeting pleasures of my drugs, I became blind to the needs of the people around me.  At the end of the day, drugs took everything, including every ounce of trust from my loved ones and friends.  The drug lifestyle left my past littered with broken promises, hurt people, and fractured relationships.  By the time I was sent to prison, I’m not sure if I had one positive relationship left. Sure, people still loved me, but they loved me from afar, in the backseat, and out of sight.  Honestly, looking back now, I don’t blame them for not being around me, not buying my stories, or believing my lies.  (Note to families: if someone struggling with addiction is talking they are lying).

          At my sentencing hearing, the only people still willing to say anything good about me were my parents, my brother, and my best friend, Aaron.  Looking back, I think that even the good things they tried to muster up about me had long since passed. The hope, love and good deeds they mentioned about me had long since been killed by the crackpipe, the whiskey, and the trail of a life lived wrong. On that day, I was a shell of a man and I didn’t even trust myself…

          Trust is the first thing we lose to addiction and the first thing we all want back in recovery.  I say WE here because EVERYONE in recovery says, “restoring trust, healing broken relationships, and mending connections is the number one thing we all want - - and quickly.”  Unfortunately, quickly and trust are words that are never spoken in the same breath.  Trust is easily lost and hard to gain.  Why is that?  Because trust once earned is ripped away by my addiction – here’s just a few of things that I did in active addiction to lose the trust of everyone in this community:

·     I missed soccer games, plays, visits, family dinners, Holidays, and anything you could imagine.

·     I pawned my Dad’s guns, Amy’s diamond ear rings that I gave to her when Elijah was born, her wedding rings, and rings that my grandmother gave to my mom.

·     I lied to clients about work being done and didn’t do work I said was already done.

·     I wrote checks to friends knowing that they were bad.

·     I borrowed money that is still being paid back today.

·     I stole money from my kids (lowest of low)

·     I did things I said I would never do and told lies I said I would never tell

A good friend of mine in recovery sums up broken trust like this, “I was the guy who would steal from you and then help you look for the real thieve.”  That’s a person that cannot and should not be trusted… and his name was Shane Eric Beal. Based on the list and this statement alone, you can see how easily my trust was lost and how hard it has been to get back.

So, now that I am without trust, how do I get it back???

A life governed by selfless love is the ONLY path to rebuilding my broken past.  Knowing that God loves me no matter what my past, is the place to start in my recovery.  Being able to forgive myself is the key element in starting over.  I must trust myself, believe in myself, and have the hope that things will get better.  If I can get here, the real work of recovery begins.  Rebuilding trust is the key to healing old relationships and building trust is paramount in making new ones. 

Trust takes time.

Period.

End of Story.

One of my favorite authors, Greg Boyle, says this, “Trust in the slow work of God.  Ours is a God who waits.  Who are we not to?  It takes what it takes for the great turnaround. Wait for it.”  I love that…

So, we know trust is precious, it is the one desire for all in recovery, and it takes time – so what do we do?  As a Ball State Alum, I am going to give some credit to Dave Letterman here and just supply you with my Top-Ten List of rebuilding trust.

10)          Trust God

9)            Forgive yourself

8)            Trust yourself

7)            Love yourself

6)            Accept and live in the slow pace of doing the right thing today

5)            Do what you say you are going to do

4)            Be open and talk about you wins, your losses, and your struggles

3)            Create a new healthy, noticeable, and predictable routine

2)            Do the next right thing – it’s been said that courage is what you do when no one is watching.  Live your life like everyone is watching

1)            Be HONEST especially when it hurts

Recovery and building trust happen one day at a time.  Don’t make it harder than that.  One of my favorite quotes about today is from Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls, “Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be.  But what will happen in all other days that will ever come can depend on what you do today.” 

TODAY, JUST DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO and the all the rest will take care of itself - - in time.