Where do you need God to see you?

“You are the God that sees me.”  Hagar is the first person to utter the name God in the Bible and to recognize that that same God sees us where we are and not where we think we should be.  Hagar had been discarded and rejected by Abraham’s household and had to experience not only emotional turmoil but also the torture of the hot, barren desert after being sent away.  She became an outcast banished by those who once valued her.  That is the definition of pain, of loneliness, and of shame.

I don’t presume to know, understand, or let alone appreciate that kind of prison and shame but I can relate to her situation of hopelessness in two areas of my life:  addiction and prison.  Actually, let’s just examine how they are both pretty much synonymous with one another.  Addiction is prison.  Addiction is pain.  Addiction is shame.  Addiction is lonely.  Addiction is hopelessness.  Addiction is hell.  Finally, addiction is the only thing that I was good at before I was sent to prison.  To me, they are the same thing.  That may not sound believable to most people but trust me I had given everything away to and for my addiction.  My career, my family, my friends, my house, my cars, my money, my self-respect, my health, my love, my ability to laugh, my everything was willingly given to feed the only thing that I was still good at - - my addiction.  Funny, that same thing that I was perfecting was the very same thing that was killing me - one day at a time.  That’s the true prison in my life.  I was a prisoner to my addiction and I was hopeless. 

On December 18, 2015, I didn’t care what happened to me because anything was better than the life I wasn’t living.  On more times than I care to admit, I wanted to end my life and with it my addiction.  I couldn’t even do that right and just stayed incarcerated within the prison of my own hand. Who does that?  I truly believe that Judge Young saved my life that day.  I would not have stopped using drugs because I did not love myself and I was hopeless.  I could not see a way out, a better tomorrow, and in no way did I think my life could get better.

Until I recognized that my situation was hopeless without outside help, God waited and did not help.  But when I was ready to admit my need and cry out to Him, He was ready to step in.  I guess that’s as good a definition of rock bottom as any I’ve heard.  I often look back now and think my rock bottom must have had a trap door.  My rock bottom of addiction dropped down to my real bottom of being completely alone with that same addiction and the wreckage I had made of my life.  I was truly alone and forced to see me for what I had truly become - - a junkie, an addict, a crackhead, a meth-head, and a thousand other things that I never planned for in my life.  Simply put, I was a hot mess.

But, guess what?  God saw me – right there – in prison – alone – addicted – deserted – discarded – an outcast – hopeless – ashamed – unemployed – a felon – the worst of the worst – bad father – and on and on and on.  God saw me.  God Saw me. 

God saw me, and He said something like this, “look at how perfect you are.”

So, I took my hopelessness to God and He saw me, and He stepped in and the rest is history.  The key is this:  God can restore a sense of self-worth even in the most trying of times if we just hit our knees and look up.  Sure, addiction is terrible, but God loves us right there in that same addiction.  Just let go and let God.

Recovery is still hard work but it’s easier than addiction.  If you are struggling with addiction you know what I am talking about and YOU CAN ASK FOR HELP.  Say a prayer.  Seek God.  It will get better.

If you are not suffering with addiction, what does your prison look like?  Don’t act like you don’t have one.  Come on, get with it.  We all have prisons, they just look a little different than mine, your neighbors, or your spouses. But, trust me, they are there.

Why are you hopeless in that same prison that you don't want to admit that you have?

Remember, you don’t have to be in prison to be a prisoner. . . but, who the son sets free is free indeed . . .

If you are struggling, it’s okay. . . help is only a prayer away.

P.S. This last picture is one of many that Avery sent me while in prison. You can’t tell me that God doesn’t see us right where we are as He sent many reminders from her to let me know I was never alone, even when it felt that way.