From My Journal: Faces and voices of Addiction . . . a sister's story.

Six overdoses over the weekend and one of those I witnessed in my neighborhood while I was out for my morning run on Saturday. When does this end? There is so much pain and anguish in this epidemic. I work daily with people who struggle with this mental illness / disease and I don’t have anymore answers than when I started down this career path a year ago. Even my own addiction is making less and less sense to me, but it helps me remember where I was so that I can relate to where my friends in recovery are in their own journey. I don’t normally blog through the week, but I was pulled to this blog tonight by my friend, mentor, and person who started this blog for me, Diana Gardner. Diana posted the following letter on Facebook and I asked if I could share it because it touches all aspects of addiction, love, and the search for recovery. The following is the voice and face of addiction and I hope you all share this on your pages because messages like this will give others hope, even if for a moment.

I was heartsick to learn of the death yesterday of one of my former students, Sara Beach. Another tortured victim of drug addiction. Both Sara and her sister, Allie, were extra special, not just good students, but good people. Kind, thoughtful, full of insight. And so, it didn't surprise me to see the beautiful tribute Allie Bratten wrote for her sister. She tackles an ugly subject with grace and heart. These precious people we lose to drugs still deserve to be honored and their lives celebrated, not just defined by their final act which cut their life short. Allie's message is one for everyone who has been touched by a loss due to addiction. With her permission, I am re-sharing it. God bless this sweet family. " My beautiful sister is no longer with us in this earthly life. I have dreaded this day for most of my teenage and adult life and have been minutes away from writing this post more than once in the last several years. Yet somehow, now that it is here, I cannot accept it. My sister suffered long, and she suffered hard from addiction fueled by mental illness and this may be what some of you remember her by. Not me, I remember the one who never stopped believing in me, even when others did. I remember the kind and loving sister, the one who held my hair back when I was throwing up with morning sickness at 17 years old and had no one else, I picture her blasting lil boosie on the radio, dancing to the cha cha slide in the family room, chasing my kids through the aisles of stores playing trolls, taking me to the store for surprise make overs and buying me everything with what little money she had because she thought I deserved it. Texting me just to say she loved me.

I have also spent very dark hours of my life calling hospitals and jails looking for her when she was missing or trying to find a treatment center over and over again that would look beyond just her addiction and treat her mental illness. So many highs and lows that truthfully, we rarely knew stability. But she was my sister, my big sister and that was the life we shared together. No one will know me like she did, I’ve lost the person that has walked through the same life as me and has known me and loved me every second of my life. I find it hard to breath knowing she’s not living this life with me anymore. Even in her times of sobriety life was so hard for Sara and her mind and heart were never at peace. I know in the deepest of my heart she is being held by the Blessed Mother now and playing games with my two children in Heaven, telling our Nanny all about life and my three babies here on earth.

I selfishly don’t know how I will survive this life without you in it Sissy. Because even the times you were at your lowest and we went months without speaking, if I had needed you, you would be there. That is a comfort I will never again know, but I do know you are pain free now and loving us all from the arms of God. Forgive me for times I fell short in being your sister and please know all I ever wanted was for you to live healthy and to be surrounded by the love you always showed me. You were kind, you were beautiful, you loved deep, you were my big sister.

I will be making funeral arrangements tomorrow and share the details for any who wish to come.

Cheers to you, cheers to me, Big and Little we’ll always be.