Have you ever just been?

April 10, 2017 will always be a special day in the history and memories of my life.  At 10:30 AM, Mike Jacob from the Grant County Sheriffs Department arrived to transport me back to the Grant County Jail – but, not before a stop at McDonald’s for my first real meal in as long as my sentence (Thank you Mike, you will never fully appreciate what that simple act of kindness has meant to me and to my recovery).  I left Plainfield Correctional Facility a week shy of 17 months incarcerated.

This blog is about the week of April 10^th – April 18^th - - my last week behind bars, my last experiences as a prisoner, and my last thoughts of being not a man but a number.  I arrived at the Grant County Hilton shortly after 12:30 PM and had my first real cup of coffee since December of 2015.  I wrote in my journal that I met Kyle for cOFFEE - - LOL - - actually, he brought cOFFEE to me in Jail and to this day it was better than anything Starbucks has to offer.  Funny thing life is, until prison I didn’t appreciate McDonald’s, Starbucks, or Ruth’s Chris for that matter.  A change in perspective can change a man and my prison sentence certainly helped me realize that I was on a dead-end road of addiction, sin, and a lack of appreciation let alone gratefulness.

My good friend and attorney, David Glickfield came to see me that night and and we prepared for my sentence modification hearing that next morning.  I was so ready to come home, and David assured me that I was going to be successful in my petition for early release.  But, honestly, who really trusts lawyers? 😊 The best part of that first night was dinner (sorry David) – spaghetti with real beef, green beans, actual garlic bread, and, get this - - pineapple, my first real fruit besides an apple in 16 months.  You only get apples and only two a week in prison.  I journaled that it was a restless night but a night of prayer, of reflection, and of trusting God.

The next morning, I was shackled and led across the street to the Courthouse.  The same Courthouse where I represented people just like me in their bids to come home early - - surreal.  When I arrived at Court, I was struck with some serious emotions when I saw the amount of people who had come to support me.  If you remember anything about my story, you will recall that when I was sentenced, the only people there were my parents, Aaron Vermilion and Kyle Beal.  I had literally burned every other bridge in my life and not just burned but stomped on, trampled over, and didn’t look back for the ashes.

Why were all these people there? See, God changed me in prison and in doing so, He changed the hearts of the people in the Courtroom that day (including the heart of Judge Young).  Some came to testify, some came to pray, and honestly some came to see if what they had heard was true.  I am not sure if there was an empty seat or a dry eye during the hearing.  God is good. . . all the time.

I am not sure if I have ever publicly thanked all those who came to support me, so I will today.  Thank you to Tade Powell, David Anderson, Aaron Vermilion, Ann Vermilion, Elle Vermilion, Beck Vermilion, Samuel Vermilion, John and Judy Pennington, Steve and Garie Beal, N.L. and Linda Pennington, Tony Pennington, Chris Pennington, Amy Beal, Seth Beal, Avery Beal, Jim Botkin, Jennifer Moore, Greg Kitts, Evan Hammond, Tom Myers, David Glickfield, Kyle Beal, Blake Beal, Mike Sample, Bruce Elliott, Marty Harker, and Leslie Hendricks (if I missed any forgive me as I was emotional by the time I was able to get back to my cell and write names down).   After a long hearing, Judge Young decided to release me, and I was so excited - - briefly.   I was to be release after I signed rules of probation, which in my experience took about 30 minutes more time and I would be on my way.  Not so in my case as I was not able to sign them until a week later, on April 18^th.  Thus, the final week of incarceration and the theme for this blog.

The theme for that last week incarcerated and this blog is that God keeps His promises and answers all prayers. How He answers them is not for me to understand or try to figure out or try to control.  I prayed to go home, and He delivered.  Sure, a week later than Shane and all those people wanted but home nonetheless.  Looking back now I think God wanted a week alone with me.  A week to prepare me, mold me, and guide me.

That week I was reminded that God never left me and was always with me – especially in prison.  How else could I have become things that I was not while suffering in my addiction and prior to prison?  I have become forgiven, tranquil, content, loved, saved, loving, compassionate, happy and kind.

I used that week to reflect and plan.  I prayed.  I meditated.  I read.  I talked to myself (a lot). I talked to God.  I sang.  I drew.  I ate some good jail food (so much better than prison, but that is for a blog all its own). Mostly, I just was.  Have you ever just been?  Just sat?  Just listened?  Just nothing?  Trust me, that’s when God gets you.  I am not suggesting anyone do a week in jail, but I am suggesting trying to get that close God in any way you can – if only for a week.

I am grateful for my prison sentence and especially for that last week because it prepared me for a life of acceptance and trusting God to know way better than me what I need.  A week alone with God is a darn good week, even if where you are is the worse place on Earth.

Because of that last week, I remember these three things:

1)     Hope means the most to those who have lived without it;

2)     Every part of the recovery process requires time and patience;

3)     We must all learn to wait on God.

If you are struggling, it’s okay. . . help is only a prayer away. 

Alone . . .

I wanted to stop.  I tried to quit.  I begged God or whoever was up there to save me from myself.  I screamed and cussed at myself, at that same God, and at me again for not being able to end my struggle and quench my pain.

          The fight in addiction is knowing that it is killing me as I set flame to the only thing that is keeping me alive - - the crack pipe.  That pipe is my worst enemy and my best friend.  It holds all the answers and asks no questions.  When I am with it, I am all Alone yet don’t feel the loneliness.  Alone is not a predicament or a state of mind.  Alone is a place.  Alone is sitting on a couch with a gun in hand ready to cure my addiction, ease my pain, and end life for good. Alone is next a prison cell, cold and abandoned, where the forgotten go to remember how life was supposed to be.  Alone is addiction and addiction is Alone. Alone is my mind, my soul, and my being.  Alone is me.

          I do not enjoy sharing some of the things that I have - - I mean who wants to share the pain of past sexual abuse or the struggle with living in the prisons of my life or the pain that I have caused everyone in my path?  Those are things best left to private journals, one to one conversation, and prayers to God.  However, while I was Alone with God in prison, I asked him to take my addiction, ease my pain, and forgive my past. After years of addiction and being Alone, He did just that.  So, I talk about it.  I write about it.  I live it. Not to say look at me but rather to say look at Him.  When you are Alone, you do not have to be.  When you are Alone, you are not. When you are Alone, look up.

          I am sharing this today because a great friend and mentor shared something with me recently about the struggle in being and feeling Alone.  What you will find interesting is that you never read the word Alone in this journal entry.  It’s written in between the lines of pain, of struggle, of confusion.  Alone does that.  Alone tells you that you are not enough.  Alone tells you that you are nothing. What does Alone tell you?

          Alone to me was that cold feel of steel in my hands and how it felt like the only friend I had in the world.  Why didn’t I pull the trigger of my friend that day?  Why did I have to go to prison shortly thereafter to be more Alone?  I will never know.  I do know that after God saved me, I was not Alone.  I do know that reading this journal entry again today, I am never Alone.  There are many people who are feeling Alone today, and I just wanted you to know that you are never Alone.  Trust me, so you don’t have to learn the hard way or worse, not at all.

          I pause to share the journal entry that was shared with me and then I will come back to wrap this up and tell you about the liar who goes by the name, Alone.

Alone will tell you that no one cares, especially God.  That is a lie.  Your mother, father, brother, friend, neighbor, son, daughter, friend, and co-worker all care immensely and God cares more than you could ever imagine.  Gregory Boyle says, "divine love is incessantly restless until it turns ALL woundedness into health, all deformity into beauty, and all embarrassment to laughter."  Simply put, God does not intend for you to be Alone.  Realize that God is too busy loving you to have any time left for anything else.  Boyle goes on to say, "behold the One who cannot take His eyes off you."  That is love.  That is God.  That is how God sees you.  

When your addiction, your situation, or your prison tell you that you are Alone, remember that is a lie.  You are loved.  You are enough.  You are never Alone. 

Put down the needle.

Put down the crack pipe.

Put down the bottle.

Put down the shame.

Put down the past.

Put down the poison.

Put down the prison.

Put down the regret.

Put down the wrongs.

Put down the Alone in your life and trust God to pick you up, brush you off, and say, "Welcome home, I have been loving you, watching you, and waiting for you."

If you are struggling, it's okay. . . Help is only a prayer away. 

Trust for sale. . .

Love is a lifestyle in which my thoughts and actions are guided by my concern for others.  I needed recovery not just from crack, meth, or the bottle but from a life lived solely for my own gratification. As I sought to escape my inner pain through the fleeting pleasures of my drugs, I became blind to the needs of the people around me.  At the end of the day, drugs took everything, including every ounce of trust from my loved ones and friends.  The drug lifestyle left my past littered with broken promises, hurt people, and fractured relationships.  By the time I was sent to prison, I’m not sure if I had one positive relationship left. Sure, people still loved me, but they loved me from afar, in the backseat, and out of sight.  Honestly, looking back now, I don’t blame them for not being around me, not buying my stories, or believing my lies.  (Note to families: if someone struggling with addiction is talking they are lying).

          At my sentencing hearing, the only people still willing to say anything good about me were my parents, my brother, and my best friend, Aaron.  Looking back, I think that even the good things they tried to muster up about me had long since passed. The hope, love and good deeds they mentioned about me had long since been killed by the crackpipe, the whiskey, and the trail of a life lived wrong. On that day, I was a shell of a man and I didn’t even trust myself…

          Trust is the first thing we lose to addiction and the first thing we all want back in recovery.  I say WE here because EVERYONE in recovery says, “restoring trust, healing broken relationships, and mending connections is the number one thing we all want - - and quickly.”  Unfortunately, quickly and trust are words that are never spoken in the same breath.  Trust is easily lost and hard to gain.  Why is that?  Because trust once earned is ripped away by my addiction – here’s just a few of things that I did in active addiction to lose the trust of everyone in this community:

·     I missed soccer games, plays, visits, family dinners, Holidays, and anything you could imagine.

·     I pawned my Dad’s guns, Amy’s diamond ear rings that I gave to her when Elijah was born, her wedding rings, and rings that my grandmother gave to my mom.

·     I lied to clients about work being done and didn’t do work I said was already done.

·     I wrote checks to friends knowing that they were bad.

·     I borrowed money that is still being paid back today.

·     I stole money from my kids (lowest of low)

·     I did things I said I would never do and told lies I said I would never tell

A good friend of mine in recovery sums up broken trust like this, “I was the guy who would steal from you and then help you look for the real thieve.”  That’s a person that cannot and should not be trusted… and his name was Shane Eric Beal. Based on the list and this statement alone, you can see how easily my trust was lost and how hard it has been to get back.

So, now that I am without trust, how do I get it back???

A life governed by selfless love is the ONLY path to rebuilding my broken past.  Knowing that God loves me no matter what my past, is the place to start in my recovery.  Being able to forgive myself is the key element in starting over.  I must trust myself, believe in myself, and have the hope that things will get better.  If I can get here, the real work of recovery begins.  Rebuilding trust is the key to healing old relationships and building trust is paramount in making new ones. 

Trust takes time.

Period.

End of Story.

One of my favorite authors, Greg Boyle, says this, “Trust in the slow work of God.  Ours is a God who waits.  Who are we not to?  It takes what it takes for the great turnaround. Wait for it.”  I love that…

So, we know trust is precious, it is the one desire for all in recovery, and it takes time – so what do we do?  As a Ball State Alum, I am going to give some credit to Dave Letterman here and just supply you with my Top-Ten List of rebuilding trust.

10)          Trust God

9)            Forgive yourself

8)            Trust yourself

7)            Love yourself

6)            Accept and live in the slow pace of doing the right thing today

5)            Do what you say you are going to do

4)            Be open and talk about you wins, your losses, and your struggles

3)            Create a new healthy, noticeable, and predictable routine

2)            Do the next right thing – it’s been said that courage is what you do when no one is watching.  Live your life like everyone is watching

1)            Be HONEST especially when it hurts

Recovery and building trust happen one day at a time.  Don’t make it harder than that.  One of my favorite quotes about today is from Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls, “Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be.  But what will happen in all other days that will ever come can depend on what you do today.” 

TODAY, JUST DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO and the all the rest will take care of itself - - in time.

Learning the Hard Way

One of the most important lessons I've learned through my recovery journey with Shane, is the power of our words and actions.  They have the ability to destroy an addict, just as easily as they have the power to heal. Unfortunately, I learned that lesson the hard way.

Watching a loved one struggle with addiction was hard.  Plain and simple.  It was hard watching a person I've known all my life slowly turn into someone unrecognizable.  It was hard watching the "Shane" I loved be replaced by a selfish, self-absorbed addict.  It was hard watching my children struggle and mourn the loss of their dad, and wondering if the wounds would ever heal.  It was hard trying to make our lives look completely "normal" so outsiders wouldn't see the shame and pain I felt inside. This was a whole new level of hurt for me that I wasn't prepared for.  I felt betrayed. I was angry and resentful, and I fought back.   I resorted to many methods of defense that quickly back-fired--accusations, nagging, tears, hysteria.  I tried to guilt-trip Shane into getting help.  I wanted him to be healthy and happy, but I think deep down I was more concerned with making my own pain and my family's pain go away.  I was so focused on my own hurt that I never stopped to think about the hurt that he must have felt, the guilt he already carried, and the shame that had to be absolutely crippling.  And so instead, I ended up pushing Shane further and further away.

     It didn't take long for God to show up and help me see that I was wrong.  I was reminded that He taught me a completely different skill set--one that I had forgotten.  Tolerance, kindness, patience, courtesy, humor, and LOVE.  When I focused on these things, I soon realized that the person I knew and loved had not been replaced.  He was just trapped.  And nothing I could do or say was going to free him.  So I stepped away from the wheel and let God have my pain.  I focused on showing love in my words and actions and learned to rely on my faith that God could handle things.
     Addicts don't need to be reminded of how out-of-control their lives are.  They don't need to be reminded of their guilt or the pain they've caused.  They live with it every day, and our words and actions can be killers that ultimately take them down.  Instead, show them the love of the ultimate healer--Jesus Christ--and watch the transformation take place.  Trust in Him and His timing. I promise you won't be disappointed.

My best friend and worst enemy . . .

Bondage is subtle. I never started using drugs with a determination to become an addict. Slowly, I became dependent on certain behaviors, substances and attitudes. It consumed me. And, in a pathetic sort of way, my bondage gave me security.  It’s been said that there are two things an addict hates:  the way things are and change.  I can attest to that as I struggled for more years than I care to admit with the beast that became my worst enemy and my closest friend.  I was to the point of taking my own life on more than one occasion and had said to myself more times than I can remember, “why can’t I just can’t stop.”  I hated myself, but I could not stop using.  No one could convince me to stop using. I couldn’t convince myself to stop using.  That’s the struggle, the rub, and the downright insanity of addiction.  No one knew more than me that my beast was killing me, but no one loved that same beast as much as me. So, what changed you say?  What happened, or more accurately who happened?

When I was sentenced to prison, I gave up on me and let God take over my life.  Honestly, at first, I just didn’t know what else to do so I asked Him for some help. I was never good at asking for help. NEVER.  However, my way had landed me right in the middle of hell and I thought to myself, I better figure this out or I can just throw in the towel. So, here I am in prison and just decided to try something new. At first, because I didn’t know what else to do. It’s as simple as that.

For a few months and honestly at times today, God and I have been at odds, disagreed, and fought on more than one or two occasions.  But, He has taught me a few things along the way:  to be humble, to trust Him, to rely on Him, to ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP, to be obedient, to love, to HOPE, and to patiently endure through it all – whatever that all looks like. When I asked God for Help, I hated my addiction and myself, but I was scared to death to bury the beast that had also become my bested good friend (shameless Forest Gump quote). This has been the worst and best journey of my life, but I have clung to these words, "all things work together for His good."

Getting to this point of humility has not been pleasant for me. I have been knocked down, embarrassed and defeated. Prison is my bottom. The bottom of all bottoms. What's crazy is that humility is the ability to look at where I am and who I am and honestly accept what I find.  That's a hard pill to swallow in my case. Humility today comes from trusting a God that has already told me a million times that I am His and therefore awesome, unique, one of a kind, perfect, and here's the KEY for an addict.......DESERVING of love, forgiveness and joy. This gift of knowing God's unending love for me makes it easier to accept me for who I am. The key for my humility is accepting that I'm messed up but God's in the messed-up business. He takes my flaws, my sins, my ugly, and my fears and says.... "Okay, I got this, I love you, you're forgiven, now start over." The longer I obey and serve, the humbler I become. The humbler that I become, the more joy I find. What’s amazing is that the more I wait for Him, trust Him, obey Him, and serve Him the happier I am.

Not all miracles are turning water into wine, healing the blind, or raising the dead. Most are hidden in everyday life and in RECOVERY!

The true miracle is that God can take my enemy and my best friend, the beast, and calm his roar so that it becomes the whisper I never hear again . . .

My favorite faith author, Mark Batterson, says this: "Don't seek out miracles, just follow Jesus. And if you do that long enough, you will find yourself in the middle of some miracles." Trust me, if you do this, your life will change.  You don’t have to be in prison to be a prisoner and you don’t have to be trapped in addiction to need God. 

If you are struggling, it’s okay. . . help is only a prayer away.

p.s. I love this picture because it shows the power of healing, the love of family and friends, and the forgiveness that comes from surrender. 

Washing the Judge's car and such. . .

I was on a run yesterday and came upon this tunnel.  As I ran through it, I started to think about how it was a bit symbolic of my life.  I love this picture because it shows a couple different things.  First, it shows a tunnel and what little boy or man doesn’t love a tunnel?  Tunnels are often thought of as dark and damp, in a low point, or a deep hole and I can remember many of those points in my addiction, my prison term, and my life.  Second, it shows the bridge above the tunnel.  This bridge is a full of sunlight, life, and is the high point in this picture.  A bridge symbolizes help, connection, and a partnership of sorts as it connects one side to another.  No on wants to live in the tunnel, yet we all hear sayings such as let’s help each other bridge the gap.  Bridges are good and light, and tunnels are dark and lonely. Tunnels represent the valleys in my life and bridges represent the hills.

There are many times in my life in which all I saw were tunnels.  There are also times in which I’ve experienced the light, the power, and the connection of those bridges.  This blog isn’t so much about the tunnels and their darkness, nor the light from those bridges.  Nope, this is about my perspective in experiencing both the darkness and the light and what better way to explain my perspective of both than a couple good-old fashioned prison stories about how I see GOD’S GRACE IN BOTH.

I recently shared how mad, frustrated, and angry I was with Judge Dean Young when he sentenced me to four years in prison on December 18, 2015.  At that time, I thought that he was killing me, but come to find out, the exact opposite was happening. He, as promised, was trying to save my life.  MY LIFE. . . the life I had all but thrown away with my addiction was being saved by a trip to what’s best been described as hell on Earth - - PRISON.  I can still feel the deflation, the shock, the pain, and the anguish.  I was led out of the Courtroom where I practiced law in shackles and headed to prison.

This is when I was taught my first lesson in how God sometimes uses our pain as his megaphone to get our attention.  See, I had tried to get clean on my own many times before and I could never chalk up more than 6 months clean and I thought that was a miracle.  So, I headed toward that tunnel of my life and something started happening - - I started praying, reading the Bible (free on the inside version), and listening to who I hoped was God. I wish I could say that I was healed and immediately released from this tunnel, but that’s not my story.  I stayed 17 months to the day and it was odd because not only was this the longest tunnel of my life, it was also the best bridge I ever walked on. In that tunnel and on that bridge, one day at a time, almost imperceptibly, I healed.  I learned that my circumstances don’t change the character of God and more importantly I learned that where you are doesn’t define who you are.  That awakening saved my life because I finally was able to admit defeat and surrender my addiction, my pain, and my will to God.

It’s been said that if you want God to do something new, you can’t keep doing the same old thing. 

So, I was first introduced to God’s grace in prison, BUT NOT BEFORE he really got my attention at the Blackford County Jail.  The day I was sentenced, I was immediately transferred there because my brother, Kyle Beal, is a Sheriff Deputy for the Grant County Sheriff’s Department.  I am still in shock when I wake up the next morning and immediately start planning the World’s biggest pity party.  Luckily, I didn’t have much time to accomplish that goal as the Jail staff immediately made me a trustee, which I know from being an attorney is a good thing.  Everyone wants to be a trustee and I thought God was just showing me his favor since I was an attorney, an important person, and this was all just likely some big mistake (LOL).  Trustees normally get treated better, have more freedom and privileges, eat better, and get contact visits.  I am thinking, “Great! I can do this! Wow, would you look at that nice bridge!”

That was short lived as I was mopping the main hallway, Judge Young comes to Jail to get his car washed.  No, they were not having some local car wash fundraiser for the High School Band.  He came to have the trustees wash his car.  To have ME wash his car is all I remember thinking. I thought you have got to be kidding me.  This man just ruined my life and sentenced me to four years in prison and now you want me to wash his car?  This was the second BUT, GOD moment from the Judge because I was like HELL NO.  SO, I washed his car. . .

As Kyle Idleman says, “Sometimes God shows up and sometimes God shows off.”

Finally, this picture symbolized my life because there have been many tunnels and just as many bridges.  I now can keep them both in perspective.  In the tunnels of my life, I’ve learned to bow my head and pray to the God who sees me there, and in the bridges of my life, I look up and praise the God who placed me there. (Thank you Tauren Wells).

God’s grace saved me on that day in December of 2015 and again when I washed that car, when I was in solitary confinement, and countless other times since.

The greatness of God’s grace means that I don’t have to have it all together or try to convince myself that my tunnels are not that bad.  The truth is my tunnels were worse than I ever care to admit, BUT GOD’S GRACE is greater than I could have ever imagine.

C.S. Lewis said, “Begin where you are”, and I did that and do that every day. Whether I am in a tunnel looking down or on a bridge looking up, I know that all things work together for His good and for His plan in my life.

If you are struggling, it’s okay…help is only a prayer away.

Thank you for reading and please share this on your Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram page. 

Quit looking back . . .

From my journal . . . It is easy to think about the past and live in the pain and suffering of days gone by when sitting in a prison bunk at any hour of the day or night.  There are a lot of hours in the day to sit and think about everything and nothing at all.  From good memories to bad, and from many successes to the same amount or more failures.  Instead of having pity parties or huge celebrations (that's a joke), I'm focused on what I can do today to be free of mind, to be sober, and be content.  I have started working a program, not only of recovery, but of recovery by faith and I have realized that I must do these three things daily:

1) Forgive those who hurt me and more often than not this includes forgiving me. I can be my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up, tear myself down, and spit myself out for all the mistakes that I have made while being in active addiction.  Forgiveness takes the power out of any situation and doesn't leave room for bitterness and resentment to fester. Trust me when I say this: resentments will kill you. Someone way smarter than me said this, "an unresolved resentment with someone is like drinking poison and waiting for that person to die."

2) I must remember that my past doesn't define who I am today. I must learn to give myself a break, let go of the past, and be okay with being a recovering addict.  In fact, I must accept who I was then, who I am today, and who I am trying to be everyday.  Taking all of this together reminds me of God's forgiveness, grace, and mercy. If God can forgive and forget my past than so can I.

3) Don't live in my past successes. This is probably the biggest one. It's easy to depend on God when I'm stuck in #1 and #2 but what about on the great days when I'm doing awesome???? I must be mindful that all things are created for His good and must seek His will in every situation and never rely on my past successes. And, yes, there are successes even in prison......but that's for another day.

What's great is that in all of the three things listed, I don't have to have all the answers, I don't have to figure it all out, and I don't have to make it happen myself. All I need is the faith to get up, brush myself off, and take that first step. . .

I say Just for Today a lot in here and that is how I have made it through thus far.  I can do anything one day at a time. . . including live in prison, walk in faith, and work on my recovery.  

God is good, it's as simple as that. 

If you're struggling, it's okay . . . Help is only a prayer away.