Thursday, July 26, 2018

He had a lot to say but couldn't . . .


This letter was written by me on January 30, 2015 at 3:00 a.m.  I was in treatment for my addiction and I was struggling with what I went through as a child.  My early childhood was marked by the drowning of my older brother and the divorce of my parents shortly thereafter.  I was also molested by the son of my babysitter and I never dealt with that until I wrote this letter and processed it in my treatment group.  I have never publicly shared this part of my life until now.  I share it so that I can start the process of real forgiveness for the person who molested me.  I share it because like a lot of my recovery journey, others have experienced similar pain and maybe this will give them hope that things can get better if we just accept, forgive, and learn to heal. 

My parents divorce, like all divorces, was hard but they did the best they could and were good parents.  This isn't so much about them anymore as I have learned that they loved me unconditionally, they just could not stay together after the loss of their son. . . but that didn't register with the 5 year old Shane, as you can now read. . . . . . . . . . .

Why do these chairs sit in front of the biggest window in the world?  I can see everything out there but not when I sit here.  I like them when I sit in them and can feel they're green.  The are soft and fuzzy on my hands.  I can feel them when I'm alone but not in your lap.  I don't like them in your lap.  They are sad and lonely and never see outside even though we always look there. . . What are we looking for?  Nothing ever comes.  I don't like these chairs.  They hurt.  Who has chairs that hurt?  You always cry when I'm in your lap. WHY?  Are you sad because it's just me?  Am I not enough?

I don't like these paintings.  I know I will hate them someday.  That's not me in that painting!!! THAT'S NOT ME!!!  And who is the other painting of?  Why is it next to mine when I don't know him.  I can't ask that because you look at them and cry.  They must be sad paintings for us.  Why do you always cry and why can't I?

I'm smothered and can't breath in these chairs on your lap and I don't like them.  I want to go outside this big window.  I will be okay. . . I'm NOT the paintings of this bigger me . . . I'm not him. . . I'm me.   I want to feel good, be okay, and be enough.  I don't want to sit in your lap.  I want out.  I want that painting down.  You can cry for him or Dad on your own chair but not on mine. 

Why do you cry for things that will never come back?  I want to help you but I never can.  I'm sorry Mom but you won't let me talk.  What I would say would make you cry.  I'm here . . . isn't that enough?  Do you need me to be BOTH paintings?  I will try real hard if you will just stop crying.  I promise I will.

This bigger me in the painting is also in you room where I go but I don't feel like I should.  He's everywhere now and he's holding me.  WHY?  I don't even know him and no one does.  So why do you cry when you see them?  How can you cry for something that doesn't exist?  I don't like this room.  I HATE YOUR BATHROOM.  Bad things happen here.  Things I will never tell.  I'm angry.  Smother me now even though I don't like it.  It's better than this. . . way better.  Now, I'm really alone in this room.  I won't go there unless I am told too.  I have to follow rules.  I don't like these rules.  I want to go look out the big window again. I want to burn this room down.  I am alone with this . . . always. 

Why is it just you and me in these chairs crying? I cry dry tears - never wet ones.  Why do Dad's break doors when they leave for good?  Who does that?  Maybe we cry because the door is broken.  Maybe it's more.  I know that my painting is not enough for him.  He likes both paintings.  How can you like something that's not here more than me?  I'M HERE... Don't break our door.  Your not coming back because we are broken.  I am not enough to make you stay.  I don't like you for that.  But, I will soon. 

Jeff must have been very special to you to make me feel unworthy.  I'm sorry you hurt even though it's never talked about.  I would do anything if would let me and see me.

I'm sad, scared, alone and hurt.  I'm five years old and that sucks.  Maybe one day I can cross the road without you watching me through the biggest window in the world. 

---Shane






10 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing Shane. Im always in your corner. Im so happy to see the wonderful blessings you have received back into your life. Have a great day my friend.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate your prayers and support.

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  2. This made me tear up. It's so brave of you to have written this. My own marriage ended badly after 21 years. I will never understand why he left and tore our family apart but what's worse is what it has done to both our kids. Hes alienated one and the other he treats him like an obligation. That wasnt who he was when we met and got married but that's who he is now and I worry about my son. Hes angry, distrustful, he hurts, and I'm so afraid of what he will turn to the older he gets. I'm glad there are people in the world like you that he can see and maybe that will help him.

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    1. Thank you for reading and for the kind words. It was a tough post for sure and I am thankful that this may help someone out there who is struggling with their own version of themselves.

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  3. This made me cry. Thank you for sharing. This had to be so hard for you to do. I have one memory of playing with Jeff. Asking for him to come back again only to be told he couldn't for some reason or another. It must have been hard to explain to a child why. I'm so sorry Shane.

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  4. Thank you. That is awesome that you have a good memory of playing with Jeff. I have heard nothing but great stories of him from other people. I am sure it was really hard on both my Mom and Dad and they have their own memories and ways of dealing with it. I just remember it being really hard in my late toddler years of trying to understand what was really going on. Thank you.

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    1. Your parents are great people as you well know. I can't begin to understand what you were going through. I hope sharing this helps you in the best way possible.

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  5. Thanks for sharing this. It must have been such an incredibly painful and confusing time. And I'm sure you wonder why you had to go through this- why bad things happen to good people or good families. I heard a speaker in recovery once say, "I used to think the problem was not knowing, but now I know the problem is in needing to know." And I think maybe that is what I make of your brother's tragic death - some day we will understand the why. For now, we just have to trust it's part of the story that will some day be revealed. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. Thank you Jane. I appreciate your kind words of support.

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