A Mom in recovery - - Tia Brewer's story

I can remember the birth of each one of my kids like it was yesterday.  I can remember sneaking into their rooms late at night, just to watch them sleeping.  I can remember their first days of school, birthday parties, vacations and proms.  I can remember swim meets, cross country meets and baseball games.  I can remember getting countless hugs for no reason, Mother's Day cards full of gratitude and three kids who were PROUD to have me as their Mom.  I can't remember the day when this "thing', this addiction snuck into my life and began its attack on my family.  

What I DO remember is the way I began to be more distant from my kids, claiming that I was "tired" or "stressed out" and just needed to be "alone".  I remember becoming more and more unable to control my anger.  I remember nodding off at ballgames because I had been high for days and finally came down.  I remember locking my son out of the house, in tears, begging to come back inside, just so he wouldn't see get high.  I remember my daughters coming to my door in tears after hearing rumors that I had overdosed.  I remember my daughters begging me in the ER to get help.

I was no longer excited about birthdays or holidays or vacations.  All those things took time and money that I didn't have anymore because of the time and money my addiction demanded.  I had people in and out of our house that were no more than strangers.  My kids noticed the changes in their mom.  They cried, they got angry, they begged and pleaded and threatened to never see me again in an effort to get ME to admit that something was HORRIBLY wrong.

I would love to tell you that seeing the PAIN I was causing my kids woke me up and I stopped.  The TRUTH is, I saw the pain, I felt disgusted with myself for causing the pain, and then, I would keep using.  I had NO HOPE.  I had no answers.  That's the INSANITY that comes with addiction.  Repeating the same behaviors OVER and OVER again, expecting different results.  Believing that SOMEHOW I could spare them the pain this time, but changing nothing, doing NOTHING different.

In 2016, I went to treatment the first time, after going into drug induced psychosis.  I was gone for 12 weeks.  My kids supported me, they cheered me on, they believed me when I said I would do anything to stay "clean" and be their Mom again.  I came home, didn't do  ANY work in recovery, and nine months later, I had relapsed, worse than I was before.  In April 2017, I had simply resolved myself to the reality that I would likely die, alone, estranged from my children, and USING.  At that point, I had no contact with either of my daughters, (they had told me if I didn't get help they were DONE) or my 10 year old son, (his dad had to keep him away from me so he was safe), or my new granddaughter.  I was no longer the "mom" I used to be.  I had become a woman who didn't deserve children at all!!

May 26, 2017, I went to jail.  A criminal.  My kids had to bear the embarrassment of that.  Their possessions, their pets, their home were gone.  I wasn't there for birthdays,  I wasn't at ballgames.  I wasn't there to give advice, or cook dinner or just watch them sleep at night.  After 56 days in jail, I went to inpatient treatment for 21 days and then on to sober living and IOP from August to December.  It wasn't until my last week in treatment that I saw my son for the first time since April.  He was scared to see me, he didn't want to be alone with me.  He was angry.  Most of all, he wanted to know, "WHY I LIED".  He told me he couldn't trust me.  My daughters and I didn't speak until I had been in sober living for about a month.  They both told me they couldn't trust me and did NOT want to hear apologies or how it would be DIFFERENT "this time".  

While I was in treatment and sober living, I began to accept the 

FACT that I am an addict/alcoholic and MY way of living was NOT working.  How did I know?  I was BROKEN, MISERABLE, and ALONE.  I was in PAIN!!  For the first time, I took RESPONSIBILITY for the pain, fear, and distrust that I had caused my children.  I started to DO what other people in 12 Step programs (who I saw living MEANINGFUL lives with their kids), were doing.  MOST importantly, I came to believe that a POWER GREATER THAN ME could RESTORE me as a woman and a mom.  That by DOING THE WORK in recovery, THERE WAS HOPE to restore my family and my children's trust in me.

There have been easy days and hard days in recovery.  Some days the work seems to be too much.  Sometimes the thoughts I have scare me.  Sometimes the memories I have make me sad and ashamed.  Sometimes I am tired and overwhelmed and angry that I am an addict/alcoholic.  On those days, I go to a meeting or talk to another person in recovery who reminds me MY HARDEST DAY IN RECOVERY IS EASIER THAN ME EASIEST DAY USING.  

TODAY, I got to take my daughter coffee at work and see her SMILE and LAUGH while we talked.  TODAY, I got to watch my son play his basketball games and FEEL they JOY and GRATITUDE inside me when he HUGGED me in front of everyone.  TODAY, my oldest daughter TRUSTS ME to watch my granddaughter and newborn grandson.  These are all things I will gratefully REMEMBER, only because I am in RECOVERY!!!

When I first got sober, I thought the 9th Step Promises were just a list of platitudes made up to trick people into recovery.  What MY life is LIVING PROOF of is that The PROMISES are REAL!  They are, in fact, PROMISES that are coming TRUE.......IF I WORK FOR THEM!! 

If you are struggling, it's okay... help is only a prayer away.