17 months may not sound like a lot of time
until it’s broken down like this: it’s
517.084 days which is 12,410.014 hours which is just a lot of time to be
anywhere, especially in prison. To be
isolated. To be alone. To be trapped with the same person who got
you in this mess to begin with. 17
months is a long time to do anything or be anywhere, especially in the prison
of the mind…
We have all seen movies that attempt to portray
prison. Movies such as The Green Mile, Escape from Alcatraz, or
my personal favorite - - The Shawshank
Redemption. I like to think of
myself as a little bit like Tim Robbins’ character, Andy Dufrane, when he said
in his letter to Red, “Hope is a good thing…maybe the best of things.” Trust me on this one, there is not much hope
in prison but my similarities with Andy Dufrane are better left for another day
and another blog. None of the movies
listed here do prison justice. One cannot
capture the cold of prison. A darkness
such as prison is only seen by experience.
The smells cannot be described through the lens of a camera. The emotional loss, feeling of isolation, and
smell of captivity is mind boggling. It
is a place that can best be described as Hell on Earth and that is putting it nicely. That too is better left for another day and
another blog.
I am grateful that I only did 17 months in
prison because of all the negatives of that place and that experience, I wasn’t
there long enough to lose me, to become institutionalized, or worse yet, become
a part of that dark system of oppression and captivity. Sure, I spent over 80 days in solitary confinement. Certainly, I ate food barely fit for animals
three times per day. I wore every article
of clothing I owned all winter long because my dorm was kept at a balmy 40 degrees
– did that. Also, wore nothing but boxers
most days from June to September when the dorm would reach comfortable temps of
about 120 degrees on a cool day. It’s a
lovely place really. A great place to
get treatment for my disease. But that
too is left for another day and another blog.
One of the positives about my 17 months in
Plainfield Correctional Facility was the relationship I was able to heal with
my then ex-father-in-law, now father-in-law, Jim Botkin (man that’s a lot of hyphens).
Jim was not at all pleased with me and I was not at all excited about his first
visit with me in prison (sorry Jim). Visits
are controlled by the offender and I could have denied him access to see me,
but I didn’t. I knew that I wanted to
begin to heal relationships and why not start with the hardest. Why not begin with the man whose heart breaks
for his only daughter and three of his six grandchildren? As I read in one of the books he sent me by
Joyce Meyer, why not begin where you are?
That title, Begin Where you Are,
and that phrase dictated my transformation then and still does today.
This blog is not only about mine and Jim’s
relationship that became a firm foundation of my faith, my recovery journey,
and my life, it is about the power of a strong support system. In recovery, we know that nothing happens
alone but relapse. Recovery takes work
from a lot of people. Those battling the
struggle of addiction must work hard but so do the family members, the friends,
and the loved ones of those in recovery.
Trust, forgiveness, courage, and perseverance are not just words, they
require a ton of work. Work through
pain, hurt, and brokenness. Those words
take grace and faith in God. PERIOD.
Back to Jim. Jim came to me at my lowest and put aside his
own pain, hurt, and anger and became one of my best friends in recovery. He became more than a father-in-law, past or
present. He became a friend who believed
in me - - wait for it - - even when I didn’t believe in me. During that 17 months this is a part of what
he did for me.
· Visited me every
two weeks for 1 ½ hours (including a 3 hour round trip drive).
· Mailed me magazines
· Sent me at least 6
– 8 books a month
· Mailed me over 400
pictures of my kids, dinners, vacations, cars, houses, furniture, Christmas Trees,
flowers, you name it. Just normal stuff
you wouldn’t understand let alone appreciate until you didn’t see any of those
things for 17 months. I mean the fastest
I went for 17 months was as fast as my feet could take me… think about that
· At least one long
letter a week detailing everything in his week, my family’s week, and in the
week of Marion. That same letter would go unappreciated unless you walked a
mile in my State Boots
· More greeting
cards than I can count
· ICARE packages (I cringe
just saying that word) but thank you
· STAMPS
· Did I mention books? I was able to once again become a voracious reader
and I forever grateful for that gift. I
didn’t read a lot of books in the local crack houses.
Above all, he gave me HOPE. HOPE that I had not seen in years. HOPE that says where I am doesn’t define who
I am. HOPE that only comes from a place
of brokenness, acceptance, and surrender.
HOPE for a new life. HOPE for
trust. HOPE for forgiveness. HOPE for love and HOPE for recovery. I say to people in recovery all the time that
“YOU ARE A ROCK STAR!” I say that because
I know the original rock star and it’s Jim.
His support was unexpected and undeserved. His support was GRACE upon GRACE upon GRACE. Jim and
I talk about how our story remind us of the prodigal son and I guess it’s kind
of true. That story never made sense to
me until I was gone for 17 months. I
also now identify with more than one person in that famous Biblical Story. I am grateful for this new understanding.
To the real point of this blog I go…
I was struggling the last couple of weeks
and last Saturday Jim showed up with a letter and… you guessed it… a book. The letter started off with “I don’t see you
as much as I would like” (okay…tears)”and that he knew that I was struggling,
and he thought the book by Louis Giglio - - Giants
Must Fall would help - - and it did.
That book and my experience of GRACE upon GRACE upon GRACE with Jim reminded
of these truths:
· I am worth Jesus
to God
· What matters most
is that I understand that I move in God’s strength…not mine
· I just need to
listen to God
· Help comes in unexpected
places and from unexpected people if we do the right thing and follow God’s
plan
· 17 months is a
lifetime to some but to me it was the start of my freedom from the real prison…
ME.
I leave you with this from Louis Giglio: “But
freedom happens in the light. Jesus is
the light of the world, and he works most powerfully in us when we bring our brokenness
and hurt, or sin and our drugs, into the light of his Grace.”
If you are struggling, it’s okay…help is
only a prayer away.
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