How I found myself...
So, I grew up in the amazing small town of Fairmount, where everyone knows everyone and what they're up to. I lived with my mom and my 2 sisters. I am the oldest, so I was, whether I wanted to be or not, responsible for helping with my sisters. My mom worked a lot to give us what we needed. So, I did my best to pick up the slack as I could. I grew up faster than I should have, and my mom soon became more of my friend than my mom. I kept my grades up, didn't get in trouble much outside being mouthy to my mom, and started living a double life.
In Jr. High around 14, I began smoking pot as often as I could which quickly became every day. I started smoking because I liked the way it felt, and it was a social thing. it went downhill from there. Smoking, drinking, tripping on acid, sneaking out- you name it. Most of high school was the same. I still maintained good grades and graduated with academic honors. My first love and I broke up shortly after that and my world was crushed. I started spending a lot of time with some "new/old friends".
This was 2003 and the first time that meth made an appearance in my life. It quickly took ahold of me. I began helping make it and sell it. I was never home so mom said I had to be home more or find a new place to live. So, I moved out to Anderson and a new set of problems popped up. I found myself taking Xanax daily and taking ecstasy every weekend. in my mind it was all ok because I was holding down 2 jobs, paying bills, bought my own car, etc. I took a short "vacation" from meth too. But not for long. Some of those same friends wanted a reunion run. 2 weeks later I'm not working at all. After a couple of months, I was couch bouncing and sick. I was pregnant by my "meth-cooking" partner and totally freaked out. So, I went home to Fairmount and Grandma. I was only 20 years old and a complete mess. I wasn't ready for a baby. I decided to have an abortion. MY heart broke but I did it. I stayed home and stopped using most of the drugs.4-25-05 one of my best friends was in a car accident and died. He had one sibling, an older brother, (I’m fast forwarding a little) who I spent every day from the funeral on with. That December he asked me to marry him and in January I found out I was pregnant. We got married in March 2006 and in August my son Andy was born. Things weren't easy at home though. His anger took a toll on me. At my 6-week checkup after having Andy I found out I was already pregnant again. Dillon was born July 2007. Our marriage was full of tension to say the least. I was broken down mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was scared and wanted out. I cheated on my husband. I hated myself as much as I felt like he should hate me. I couldn't allow him to forgive me, so I moved out. In 2008 we were divorced. I was a disaster. My Dr. put me on Xanax. it wasn't long until I was sick without them. I was living with the same person I cheated on him with. In 2009 I got pregnant. I tried to be happy about it, but I couldn't. So, I drove, alone, to Cincinnati to have an abortion at 20 weeks along. Yet another thing to hate myself for. So, since I was "damaged goods" I found myself back with my ex-husband. By this time, I'm strung out on pain pills, Xanax, and find out I'm pregnant yet again. I kept this baby because it was his. Our relationship was awful. But even though I was pregnant I was staying numb. In Feb 2011 Jon was born. Fast forward to 2012 I divorced the same man for a second time. Off to the races after that.
Bad choices in men and drugs left me with a giant opiate habit and boyfriend from hell. 2013 enter heroin. I instantly fell in love and stopped caring about anything else. I took my 3 boys to their dad and didn't even show up to the custody hearing. the next 3 years were all a blur of violence, drugs, health issues, and pure terror at times. I began doing whatever necessary to make sure I was high. I started "boosting" and I was good at it. So good that in 2015 I arrested for the first time. 6 weeks later I was released from jail and things got worse from there. In 2016 I was arrested again and took a plea for Drug Court. A great program I wasn't ready to accept and work for. in 2017 I was terminated from the program and sentenced to prison to do the rest of my time. that day I hit my rock bottom. I was sentenced to a therapeutic community to participate in a recovery program. it was there were I found myself and hope in my future.
My time spent at Madison Correctional facility was life changing. I attended classes, meetings, bible studies, etc. I started to soak up all the knowledge I could, and I was clear headed for the first time I can remember. I broke myself down to build myself back up. I had to look at myself and the part that I played in every situation I found myself in through my life. I learned who I was and who I didn't want to be anymore. my relationships with my friends and family started to rebuild. I became honest, willing and open minded to everything. Recovery saved my life. It has given me every opportunity in the world to have and be all the things that I am capable of. For the first time in my 33 years of life I believe in myself!! I have faith that my higher power has a plan for me and that I am worth the second chance I've been given. no matter what I've been through in my life I'm still here. that means something. I've made a vow to myself to always remember where I've been, but I must stop living there. I live in today because that is what I need to do. Every day I get a new 24 hours to make it the best that I can. today I am a week shy of being 20 months clean. God has seen fit that I can string a few 24 hours together for some time now.
Please always know that no matter how bad you feel it is or that you have done too many bad things to make a change, that its always possible. There's always someone else out there who understands exactly what you're going through. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.
Much love y’all! Stay strong & trust in something bigger than yourself.
Peace, Love & Light
-- Casey Anne
If you’re struggling, it’s okay…help is only a prayer away.