Why can't you just quit. . .

Why can’t you just quit?  What’s wrong with you? Don’t you love me?  Don’t you love your kids?  Why aren’t you working today? Are you trying to kill yourself…?  Why can’t you just quit?  Why can’t you just quit?  Let me help you… cool, just give me a $100.00 – and the cycle continues until death, institutions, or jails come knocking on our doors.  And, on nights like this one the thoughts come rushing back into my brain…without recourse, without thought, without care of my close to 3 years of sobriety.  Thank you crack.  Thank you, Meth.  Thank you, heroin.  Thank you, beer.  Thank you, _________________.

If you are struggling with addiction or in recovery, you have certainly heard those words before.  More importantly you have felt their sting and been unable to do anything about it but feel judged, worthless, and misunderstood.  They have been told to you by friends, SCREAMED at you by parents, and spoken through the tears of ugly crying by your partner and children.  I have experienced all first hand.  If you are a loved one of one of us, you have sat up frustrated, worried, and scared all night long on more occasions than we both care to admit. You have sat up, hoping to just have one more chance to say these things to us, and we have used all night hoping to never hear them again.  You have prayed to God that you will hear our voices and see our faces just one more time.  You have sat up wondering if I am dead.  Praying I am tucked away safely in a jail somewhere.  Wishing I was five years old again, so you could try and fix me and help me avoid this life, this struggle, this pain, and my addiction.  You would give anything for that just like I would give anything to put down this bag of dope and come home.  BUT, YOU CAN’T, and I CAN’T. 

That’s the power of addiction…you can’t save me, and I can’t find that five-year-old anymore - - he’s gone - - I am gone. 

Am I just the drugs and poor decisions that continue to direct my life to choose the very thing that’s killing me over everything else…home, family, job, heath, self-respect?  I can’t take this anymore.  SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

This blog is going to EXPLAIN NOTHING.  It will answer NO QUESTIONS.  It is just me up all night again.  Tortured by my past, haunted by my life, and chased by my addiction.  That’s what you will never know if you are “normal” - - there is no cure for this.  I can be close to 3 years sober and still want to get high, forget it all, and just check out - - judge me if you want (you have before).  Pray for me if you wish.  Run away and look the other way if you must.  Just know this feeling, these thoughts, this internal strife is why I couldn’t just quit!!!  My disease was bigger than me.  It was greater than the life you saw for me.  Now do you see??  My disease is a monster and I, the daily meals.  I didn’t choose this life…IT CHOSE ME.

IT’S quieter now.  IT’S a whisper.  IT was a daily scream.  IT still screams at nights, on drives, at home, at work…everywhere at times.  I need love.  I need support.  Hold me.  Watch me.  Really watch me.  Tell me I am doing good.  Forgive me when I go off or get quite because I am likely dealing with IT in my head again and just trying to survive for one more day.

I know that IT was killing me and you in the process, but my disease was more important than YOU and ME and sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep IT still is… Why can’t you just quit is the dumbest thing ever said… now you know.

This is me - - almost 3 years sober struggling through one more day and recognizing that even today, I hate my disease.  With God, hard work, great support, my sponsor, and the love of my support system, this gets easier, but it is always there.  Today, I am grateful that I can write about the emotions of it all and NOT USE.  My disease is strong but just for today, I am stronger with my God.  Today, I pray that you never have to say, and I never have to hear why can’t you just quit again.

If you are struggling, it’s okay… help is only a prayer away.

PLEASE FOLLOW THIS PAGE AND CHECK OUT THE RECOVERY RESOURCES.  IF YOU ARE USING A MOBILE DEVICE, PLEASE OPEN AS A WEB VIEW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL THE RESOURCES.  WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN RECOVER.