My eyes . . . your eyes

1st blog yesterday and that was a cool and new experience to write in this format.  Normally, I just sit on my phone and enter my journal entries from either memory, notes, or the actual entries themselves.  I have become a typing wiz of sorts on my smartphone. All day I was like is anybody even reading this?  I really thought no one was reading and honestly - - I was a little upset - - like why is no one reading this blog?  People tell me to blog and then they don't read it - - what's that about?

Then a good and trusted friend checked me by saying, "what's your motivation for this.....?"  Is it for you to get likes and follows or them to get your message (which I wanted to say they can't get the message if they don't read it but it's whatever 💅).  I've been told that my mess has become my message and to just get it out there and let God handle the rest.  Come to find out when I checked last night, people are reading. . . people are watching my life and my mess. . . and those people are the reason I write about my life.

So, as I have done a lot in this recovery journey, I checked my pride.  Being self-absorbed and prideful kept me in the shame of my addiction for many years.  I have to keep watch for those things to pop up.  I also have to keep good people near me who can immediately call me out on my thinking.  Pride, self, and shame will destroy recovery and I don't have time for that.

I said when I started this blog that I was going to get out of my comfort zone and do things differently.  Well, here goes..... a poem about my pain and what I see. . . written when I was really struggling with my own addiction this past weekend. . . yep . . . 31 months and 29 days clean and EVERY SINGLE DAY IS A FIGHT.

My Eyes . . . Your Eyes by Shane Beal

If I could live in your eyes 
I would see the world in color
in my vision of us we all dye
I see all the darkness and despair

If you could be my eyes
what would you want to see?
My eyes see pain. . . pain. . . pain
YOU don't deserve the world of my eyes

They have lived things you know nothing of

Don't confuse my eyes with your world
You pretend to see until you can't
I can feel you try to understand my world
Stay in your world of color and leave my
darkness alone. 

GO AWAY and look again
GO AWAY and don't look back
You see what you want.
I see what I feel. . . 

I've seen nothing 
You have seen it all
I am blind to your color. . . 
You ignore my eyes.