We are getting ready to take Seth to Indiana University and I am sitting here with a journal in my hand and not much writing is happening at the moment. Rarely do I have problems writing in my journal. But, this morning I am all over the place emotionally, and I can't seem to get a handle on what I want to share with you all about this day. The easy topic is Seth leaving home to attend I.U., and the pride, anxiety, sadness, and joy that surround this exciting phase of his life. The main issue (of many 😉), is that I have many other emotions fighting for space in my head about this day. I think the best way to share this is by listing how I feel today and compare it to how I felt when my oldest son, Elijah, left for Northwestern University in 2016.
If you have read my blog at all you know that my circumstances were a bit different that year. I wasn't home to experience that transition in Elijah's life and I wasn't able to feel anyway about that. In prison, feelings are a sign of weakness, a flaw, and generally only experienced at night . . . in bed . . . in private. . . and with dry tears of sadness or joy. That's hard to imagine for me because today I get emotional, I have intense feelings, and I am a crier. . . I think that is one of the many gifts of my recovery - - to feel again and be able to express my emotions in healthy ways. In the prisons of my life, the only emotions I ever felt were pain until I could get high and stay high so I didn't have to feel that pain. . WHO wants to feel pain? Thus, the power of my prisons were unrelenting and suffering pain coupled with the crippling shame that kept the cycle of my addiction going. . . going. . . going. . . and going.
Today, Elijah is in San Francisco chasing his dreams and changing the world and Seth starts his own journey at Indiana University. So, here's that list I promised (wiping tears). A list of looking back and looking forward and written in this moment. A list that is full of so many emotions that I am laughing, crying, and praying my way through it.
I am grateful for 2nd chances and also sad that I missed the 1st chance.
I am thankful for forgiveness and also upset and mad that had to ask for it.
I am proud of both of my sons and hopeful they don't fall victim to the addiction of their father.
I am happy that I get to experience this day with Seth and feel guilty I missed it with Elijah.
I am nervous about Seth leaving and I am confident that both of them will change the World for the better.
I pray for peace, comfort, and understanding yet I feel anxious, nervous, and confused.
I will miss Seth dearly and I already miss Elijah every single day.
I want to give them space and let them be men and I want to hold them, protect them, brush them off when they hurt, and tell them to get back out there and chase your dreams. . . just be careful.
Mostly, I am grateful, thankful, and blessed to be their Dad and to be able to give them the gift of my recovery and hopefully it shows them and others that all things are possible if we trust and believe in God's promises. Today, I am reminded that the closer I live to God, the smaller everything else appears and I am thankful for this because right now my emotions seem huge.
I am also reminded of who You say I am.
THE FOLLOWING IS AN UPDATED AND EDITED VERSION . . .
I am #stupidgrateful today because I am driving to B-TOWN to pick up Seth after the IU and Michigan Basketball game and then heading up to see Elijah for his 21st birthday celebration tomorrow. I am thankful to have permission to leave the State of Indiana and for this time to be with the boys again. I am thankful for 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances. I am reminded today that recovery is possible and there is always hope. If I can recover. . . anyone can.
If you are struggling it's okay, help is only a prayer away.
I have a son who fights addiction. He tries to explain his emotions, all these emotions you describe. Hes been to jail. Hes lost everything. God is restoring his relationship with his wife and children, with his brother and me. It's beautiful and sad and so often exhausting for those of us who love "ddicts" and "recovering addicts" , all the labels of what one is called through the different stages of recovery and relapse, his emotions, my emotions, my other family's emotion, the judgment of what I did wrong and what I did right, the constant questioning of whether I should be helping or letting him fall at this moment, when to hold on tight and when to let go and cry alone in my despair so that he feels consequences....we are on the recovery side now. He tells me he know and feels my love for him. He tells me some days the struggle to give in is so strong hes physically incapable of moving because if he moves he knows hell make a bad decision. He cant let himself think duing those moments and has to work toward being numb so the intensity will lessen. My true hope I in the Hod who loved and continues to love is through this, the one who gave me the wisdom to have the mantra "as long as I know hes trying I will help him succeed" and to learn to discern when hes stopped trying. Thankfully weve had what I believe to be turning point....he knows he will always have to fight but hes thankful. He knows hes forgiven...he prays your same prayers....thank you for sharing your struggles, for putting them into words that help us who love a recovering human (but arent all of us that really) have a glimpse....I tell him it's not worse than any of mine. My sins are just more socially acceptable than his. They hurt God and others just as much. They're just not as obvious on the outside to people insensitive to Christs heart. Thank you....
ReplyDeleteCathy, thank you. I appreciate your kind words and I loved reading about your journey. I will be praying for you and your family.
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