Alone . . .

I wanted to stop.  I tried to quit.  I begged God or whoever was up there to save me from myself.  I screamed and cussed at myself, at that same God, and at me again for not being able to end my struggle and quench my pain.

          The fight in addiction is knowing that it is killing me as I set flame to the only thing that is keeping me alive - - the crack pipe.  That pipe is my worst enemy and my best friend.  It holds all the answers and asks no questions.  When I am with it, I am all Alone yet don’t feel the loneliness.  Alone is not a predicament or a state of mind.  Alone is a place.  Alone is sitting on a couch with a gun in hand ready to cure my addiction, ease my pain, and end life for good. Alone is next a prison cell, cold and abandoned, where the forgotten go to remember how life was supposed to be.  Alone is addiction and addiction is Alone. Alone is my mind, my soul, and my being.  Alone is me.

          I do not enjoy sharing some of the things that I have - - I mean who wants to share the pain of past sexual abuse or the struggle with living in the prisons of my life or the pain that I have caused everyone in my path?  Those are things best left to private journals, one to one conversation, and prayers to God.  However, while I was Alone with God in prison, I asked him to take my addiction, ease my pain, and forgive my past. After years of addiction and being Alone, He did just that.  So, I talk about it.  I write about it.  I live it. Not to say look at me but rather to say look at Him.  When you are Alone, you do not have to be.  When you are Alone, you are not. When you are Alone, look up.

          I am sharing this today because a great friend and mentor shared something with me recently about the struggle in being and feeling Alone.  What you will find interesting is that you never read the word Alone in this journal entry.  It’s written in between the lines of pain, of struggle, of confusion.  Alone does that.  Alone tells you that you are not enough.  Alone tells you that you are nothing. What does Alone tell you?

          Alone to me was that cold feel of steel in my hands and how it felt like the only friend I had in the world.  Why didn’t I pull the trigger of my friend that day?  Why did I have to go to prison shortly thereafter to be more Alone?  I will never know.  I do know that after God saved me, I was not Alone.  I do know that reading this journal entry again today, I am never Alone.  There are many people who are feeling Alone today, and I just wanted you to know that you are never Alone.  Trust me, so you don’t have to learn the hard way or worse, not at all.

          I pause to share the journal entry that was shared with me and then I will come back to wrap this up and tell you about the liar who goes by the name, Alone.

Alone will tell you that no one cares, especially God.  That is a lie.  Your mother, father, brother, friend, neighbor, son, daughter, friend, and co-worker all care immensely and God cares more than you could ever imagine.  Gregory Boyle says, "divine love is incessantly restless until it turns ALL woundedness into health, all deformity into beauty, and all embarrassment to laughter."  Simply put, God does not intend for you to be Alone.  Realize that God is too busy loving you to have any time left for anything else.  Boyle goes on to say, "behold the One who cannot take His eyes off you."  That is love.  That is God.  That is how God sees you.  

When your addiction, your situation, or your prison tell you that you are Alone, remember that is a lie.  You are loved.  You are enough.  You are never Alone. 

Put down the needle.

Put down the crack pipe.

Put down the bottle.

Put down the shame.

Put down the past.

Put down the poison.

Put down the prison.

Put down the regret.

Put down the wrongs.

Put down the Alone in your life and trust God to pick you up, brush you off, and say, "Welcome home, I have been loving you, watching you, and waiting for you."

If you are struggling, it's okay. . . Help is only a prayer away.