Addiction is selfish. Addiction is a thief. Addiction is pain. Addiction is hurt. Addiction is consuming. Addiction is hell.
I recently shared a funny letter from my son,
Seth. Seth is the comedian of the family
and the one who deals with his own stress by trying to be funny and make others
laugh. He probably gets a little bit of
that from me. Humor and Sarcasm were my
masks in life when I didn't want to deal with pain, anger, fear, or
vulnerability. My other go to was
unfortunately alcohol, crack, meth, heroin, and literally anything else that I
could take to numb the pain, ease my mind, and calm the demons. I also received some letters from Seth that
were not funny. There were also some
visits that were not fun for him. . . What teenager wants to drive two hours to
visit their Dad in prison. Let alone a
Dad who wasn't always there for him when he needed me. I get it and although it was hard, I
understood. I can't really explain how
hard visits are to get and also not get and maybe that is for another
blog. But, just trust me. . . it's all
hard.
This blog is more about a letter I received on J-Pay
(e-mail for offenders) from my oldest son, Elijah. As a backstory, I missed every birthday of
his since 2014 as I was either in rehab or prison until this last birthday in
January of 2018. Remember when I shared
about my brother's death and me being molested as a child a few days ago? I wrote that at 3:00 a.m. on his birthday
while I was in rehab in Texas in 2015. Not
the best birthday memory for me or him for that matter. Not only did I miss all those birthdays, but
I missed piano recitals, concerts, plays, and even his graduation when he
delivered the salutatorian address for his class.
If Elijah did anything, he excelled at it and I
MISSED IT . . . well most of it. If I didn't miss events due to rehab or prison, I missed things because I was still high. I even lied about going to see him in
Scrooge. . . I was so high that I couldn't even go and told him I was there
(not sure if he even knows that but I am sure he does).
So, I
received this J-Pay from Elijah around the time of his birthday in 2017. I don't have the actual letter because I couldn’t
print it off the kiosk at prison, but I have notes from it in my journal. Elijah has a lot of pain and issues with me
because of my addiction and my actions associated with my addiction. His letter was painful for me to read because
I never wanted him to feel that way.
But, that is the reality of my addiction. It made wounds deep and some I didn't even
realize were there.
I can't imagine how embarrassing it was for Elijah to
be such a success in his endeavors while his once successful Dad spiraled out
of control in front of his and his friend's eyes. That's a pain a Father is
never supposed to bring upon his son. I wrote him back and once again said I
was sorry but more importantly explained my life now and how I was not the same
person and would never be that person again. He's probably heard that once or twice in his life and maybe it didn't mean a lot because of my track record. But, I explained that I forgave myself after God forgave me. I can't change
the past and I can't help him get past it with the exception of my actions from
here on.
In recovery, I have learned that if I do the next right thing and do what I say I am going to do, people will eventually believe me again. Insider Tip: all addicts want the support, trust, and love of their family back. . . it's the main thing people say in my groups at work. . . "they just want to heal their relationships."
But it's his to do with God's help and that is what
I will pray for: healing and forgiveness for Elijah according to God's will. When I
think about the pain I caused everyone I also can see that maybe God is
teaching us all one of the most important lessons in life: forgiveness. Forgiveness is freeing, especially for one that needs the grace that comes with it.
C.S.
Lewis said, "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because
God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
I read that quote and think that
God's grace is never limited by the circumstances that we are in. No
matter what my pain is. . . no matter what my fear is. . . no matter what pain I
caused. . . I am forgiven when I lay myself at the feet of God and pick up my
cross and follow Jesus....that's freedom for me and hopefully Elijah.
I love you Buddy!!!
I'm your biggest fan.
If you're struggling, it's
okay....
Help is only a prayer away.
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