When released, something or someone nudged me. . . Pushed me. . . Told me to share my journal and my life with y'all. Okay....okay - - I heard God tell me to do it. In doing so I have healed so much more by sharing my whole life -- holding nothing back.
Something else happened too. People began sharing their journals, their lives, and their pain with me. It's like my sharing helped them share...that's powerful.
The following is one such share inspired by this amazing song. I hope you read this, listen to the song, and share this post. By sharing our lives, by being vulnerable, and by loving others we can begin to heal.
Here you go. . . .
I can remember the first time I gave up. The first time I knew there was a “stop fighting” option. The first time that it seemed like a better choice. I had no idea the significance of that day when I rolled out of bed in the morning. That it would be the day I learned how broken feels. I don’t think I realized how heavy tears really are. That gravity could pull the tears out of you so fiercely that your knees buckle under the weight of it all, until you inevitably hit the floor.
The way a body shakes when something pierces so deeply that it misses every organ and aims straight for the soul. I cried soul shifting tears that day. Tears that turn to acid and corrode the protection and safety of a heart. Until all that is left is broken pieces that can’t seem to work together or function at full capacity. I laid down in vines that day. Long and heavy vines that twisted their way around my limbs and tangled my thoughts. Vines that kept me stuck in a forest of agony next to a stream babbling steady uncertainty into my brain.
There were endless nights when the sun wouldn’t rise and the easiest option seemed to be sinking further into the vines until becoming one with the thorny mess and chaos. The wind would howl the deepest hurts, beating the branches until every last leaf of hope disappeared.
The vines became the safest place in the forest, even as they stole my breath. The darkness overwhelming as my eyes shut out the world. I miss the sun. I miss the comfort of being wrapped in the light that used to keep the vines away. One last look at the sun before it ends. That’s all I want. The numbness inside of me subsided for a second, long enough for my eyes to open in surprise at an emotion I hadn’t felt in forever- a glimmer of hope. I looked to the sky and through the darkness a million lights sparkled. They spoke of miracles and shimmered with more power than I ever thought possible. They were better than the sun, because they lit up my darkness. “God must still be here,” I thought “God is the only One I know who can use darkness as the perfect guide.” I lay perfectly still and slowly slipped through the vines that had grown weak from my small persistence in not giving up completely.
I stood up determined to see the forest as I had never known it. From a vantage point above rock bottom. Flowers swayed steadily and the stream reflected majesty. It was quieter up here. The leaves that had fallen had been replaced with new blooms more radiant than ever. And the vines decomposed to nurture new growth. For the first time my tears felt light as they brought relief to my dry eyes. Soul shifting tears that watered the flowers of change and reminded me of beauty again.
And my broken pieces were put together like a puzzle by the One who could see the bigger picture-even in the dark.
If you're struggling it's okay help is only a prayer away. LISTEN TO THIS SONG
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