Goodbye. . . not see you later

Dear Coco:

          I bet you are surprised to hear from me.  Don’t get excited… I’m just writing to say goodbye.  Some people say, “see you later”, because they don’t want to close the door on a future relationship.  Don’t flatter yourself that I even consider f*#king with you again.

          When we met, I could not hardly wait to get to know you.  I had heard so much about how fun / exciting you are, how sensual you could be, how you were full of energy and never seem to tire.  I had seen you in action several times… you were the life of the party.  You were sexy as hell (so powerful, so enticing) with your cool, subtle style.  Your confidence seemed to be contagious with everyone you touched.  You motivated the entire group of your followers to do everything bigger, faster, longer.  I would wonder what it would be like to know you.  But for a long time, I was both afraid to introduce myself and intimidated by your mere presence in a room.

          As I got older and met a couple of your friends, I started to feel more comfortable and confident with myself.  I began to believe that maybe I was giving you too much power in my fear of at least a proper introduction.  I started to wonder what kind of relationship we could have.  I wanted to prove to everyone AND myself that I could live with you and have a relationship with you.  I wanted to be like you - - or so I thought.  So, I finally got up the nerve to say “hi.”

          From that first date, you were true to form.  You were charming as hell.  You made me feel like a queen.  You shared your power, your confidence, your control over emotions.  You made me feel so focused. You made me feel like I was walking on air - - riding a freight train.  I was never tired, never hungry, never confused.

          After a while, as we got closer, you started to hint that there was a side of you that I hadn’t seen.  I asked your close friends if they knew you like that.  I should have seen the fear in their eyes when I asked.  They told me you didn’t need to show me.  That I shouldn’t want to know you like that.  That our friendship would change forever if I kept asking you to show me.

          But that made me want to know even more.  Why could they know your true power, but I couldn’t?  Why wouldn’t they share that part of you with me?  Were they that selfish?  Were they better than me?  Did they think that I was too weak to handle it?

          I coveted that knowledge.  I decided I would NOT stop asking until they gave in and let me be part of this group.  I was so convincing they finally gave in - - warning me, begging me really, to reconsider.

          Why I didn’t pay attention to the fervent warnings / protests, I do not know, except I thought I could prove them all wrong.

          When I let you into my mind that night by opening a door after lighting a fire to let you know I was inviting you - - you hit me so hard I was shocked.  It turned me on as I fell to the floor, begging you to leave as I cried and sweat and felt my heart beat throughout my body.  It was electrifying and terrifying all at the same time.  I asked you to be gentler so I could experience the ectasy more without the fear.  You accommodated me and lulled me into a sense of submission.

          All I could think about was your touch.  But it came at a hefty price very quickly.  You became jealous of everything else in my mind.  So, you sent thieves in to begin systematically robbing me of my confidence, self-control, my pride.  You pushed my family away first.  Then my career.  All I had left was my children and my desire to keep you away from them.  So, you attacked my sanity.  First only when I knew you were around.  Lying to me about what I saw, heard, felt.  Then, your attacks came all day.  I couldn’t understand how you would find me, where you would hide to play your sick tricks on me.  You wanted me to believe I had it all wrong.  That you wanted to share and teach me your ways.  When I couldn’t hide my fear or anger, you responded by sending in the evil, the darkness that you had found your birth in.  A desire to take over.  To own my mind, my body, and now my soul.

          I tried to fight you.  At every turn.  I used anything I could find to push you away.  Then you would call me a coward, weak-minded, pathetic.  You said, “get a grip” and quit giving you so much power.  You were just testing me. Testing my mind, my will.  You said, “I had it too easy all this time.”  That challenge is why I wanted to meet you, so why was I afraid of the challenge now?  To keep pushing my limits would make me stronger.  That I didn’t want people to think I failed in this after I asked for it - - insisted on it.

          You are a cunning liar.  A thief.  A manipulator.  A leach.  You were waiting for me to believe you, follow you, to turn my life over to you, so you could slowly kill me.  Your plan was to tell everyone I killed myself.  Your plan was to let them all believe you were so loving, so powerful, so in control of me that I couldn’t handle our relationship.  You did that so you could find your next thrill.  So, you could feed your own claims of power.  So, you could continue to draw others in and rob them, ruin them, and kill them too.

          Your plan failed when I met a group of people who had met you before.  Some of them got away quickly before you hooked them too deep.  Some of them fought you long and hard until they were mere shells of bodies and souls.  Most of them, regardless of their fight with you, or the injuries they suffered during the battle and things they lost to you - - all had others to help them fight and eventually get away.

          Those people, because they know you so well, have warned me, begged me not to believe I am free forever.  They have shared their stories of how you stalk them, send your minions to taunt their happiness, their careers, their health at times.  All to again convince us we need to / want to meet you again - - at least to tell you to leave us alone forever.  Those people suggested that I avoid meeting you again at all costs.  To ignore your charm at times.  To block out your threats and promises that it will be different this time.  They suggested I write you a letter to tell you goodbye and so I am. 

          Goodbye.

          Not see you later.

A note from Shane . . . if you want to submit something for me to consider posting on this blog, you can contact me at shaneericbeal1971@gmail.com 

Thank you to this courageous person who decided to share a piece of their life with all of us.

If you are struggling it's okay, help is only a prayer away.