Bondage is subtle. I never started using drugs with a
determination to become an addict. Slowly, I became dependent on certain
behaviors, substances and attitudes. It consumed me. And, in a pathetic sort of
way, my bondage gave me security. It’s
been said that there are two things an addict hates: the way
things are and change. I can attest
to that as I struggled for more years than I care to admit with the beast that
became my worst enemy and my closest friend. I was to the point of taking my own life on
more than one occasion and had said to myself more times than I can remember, “why
can’t I just can’t stop.” I hated
myself, but I could not stop using. No
one could convince me to stop using. I couldn’t convince myself to stop
using. That’s the struggle, the rub, and
the downright insanity of addiction. No
one knew more than me that my beast was killing me, but no one loved that same
beast as much as me. So, what changed you say?
What happened, or more accurately who happened?
When I was sentenced to prison, I
gave up on me and let God take over my life.
Honestly, at first, I just didn’t know what else to do so I asked Him for
some help. I was never good at asking for help. NEVER. However, my way had landed me right in the
middle of hell and I thought to myself, I better figure this out or I can just
throw in the towel. So, here I am in prison and just decided to try something
new. At first, because I didn’t know what else to do. It’s as simple as that.
For a few months and honestly at times
today, God and I have been at odds, disagreed, and fought on more than one or
two occasions. But, He has taught me a
few things along the way: to be humble,
to trust Him, to rely on Him, to ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP, to be obedient, to love,
to HOPE, and to patiently endure through it all – whatever that all looks like. When I asked God for Help, I hated my
addiction and myself, but I was scared to death to bury the beast that had also
become my bested good friend (shameless Forest Gump quote). This has been the
worst and best journey of my life, but I have clung to these words, "all
things work together for His good."
Getting to this point of humility has not been pleasant for
me. I have been knocked down, embarrassed and defeated. Prison is my bottom.
The bottom of all bottoms. What's crazy is that humility is the ability to look
at where I am and who I am and honestly accept what I find. That's a hard pill to swallow in my case.
Humility today comes from trusting a God that has already told me a million
times that I am His and therefore awesome, unique, one of a kind, perfect, and
here's the KEY for an addict.......DESERVING of love, forgiveness and joy. This
gift of knowing God's unending love for me makes it easier to accept me for who
I am. The key for my humility is accepting that I'm messed up but God's in the
messed-up business. He takes my flaws, my sins, my ugly, and my fears and
says.... "Okay, I got this, I love you, you're forgiven, now start
over." The longer I obey and serve, the humbler I become. The humbler that
I become, the more joy I find. What’s amazing is that the more I wait for Him,
trust Him, obey Him, and serve Him the happier I am.
Not all miracles are turning water into wine, healing the
blind, or raising the dead. Most are hidden in everyday life and in RECOVERY!
The true
miracle is that God can take my enemy and my best friend, the beast, and calm
his roar so that it becomes the whisper I never hear again . . .
My favorite faith author, Mark Batterson, says this:
"Don't seek out miracles, just follow Jesus. And if you do that long
enough, you will find yourself in the middle of some miracles." Trust
me, if you do this, your life will change.
You don’t have to be in prison to be a prisoner and you don’t have to be
trapped in addiction to need God.
If you are struggling, it’s okay. . .
help is only a prayer away.
p.s. I love this picture because it shows the power of healing, the love of family and friends, and the forgiveness that comes from surrender.
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